Do you think it’s ok to be friends of someone of the opposite sex if you’re married? Well for me it depends on how good of friends we are and how my husband feels about it. I have lots of people I consider friends that are male. Would I meet them out for coffee alone? Probably not. Would I call them in an emergency to help me? Yes, but only if my husband was ok with it. If I am friends with a man, my husband has to feel completely comfortable with the level of friendship or there will no longer be a friendship. My husband comes first no matter what. Even if I think the way he feels is crazy or ridiculous. If my husband feels jealous or insecure, that is never crazy, it’s the way he feels and it’s my job to make sure he’s comfortable. The day I put another man before my husband is the day my marriage is headed for divorce.
So are opposite sex friendships always inappropriate? No absolutely not, but you do have to be extra careful when developing them. There are some warning signs that you can use to determine if the relationship is appropriate.
Here are some serious warning signs that your “friendship” may ruin your marriage:
- You spend more time with your friend than your spouse.
- You complain about your spouse to your friend and they listen and take your side. They really seem to understand you.
- Your friend makes you feel better about yourself than your spouse. They boost your ego and make you feel great when you’re around them.
- You find yourself defending the friendship.
- Other friends have started to notice the relationship and ask you about it or have told you it seems inappropriate.
- You get excited when you know you get to see your friend and can’t wait to be with them again.
- You have even one thought that things would be different if you weren’t married. Or you have feelings for this friend that you’d never have for a friend of the same sex.
- You don’t care if your spouse objects to the friendship and/or you fight about the friendship with your spouse.
- Your friend admits they may have feelings for you.
If you have even one of these warning signs you should seriously limit the friendship or cut it off completely. If your spouse has any problem with the relationship at all you should address it immediately and take action to make them secure. As soon as you start placing other people before your spouse, you’re headed for trouble.
At some point someone in the relationship is going to have feelings they shouldn’t have. It’s just human nature. Then what? You think you would just ignore them because you’re married. The problem is that one little thought then turns into a much bigger thought and before you know it you’re feeling and doing things you swore you never would. Feelings are funny like that. They’re hard to control. If you limit or eliminate your opposite sex friends, you’ll never have to deal with any of the problems associated with it. You’re actually protecting your marriage.
Completely agree….I have a bit of a different situation, confusing to NO end. My husband dove in and “helped” an unfortunate woman (total stranger) who had gotten herself into an abusive situation with a live in boyfriend…she was on drugs, drinking, and doing anything for $ (even having public sex with her boyfriend & they would charge money!). She was 4 months pregnant too – he was determined to “help” in anyway possible, I guess seeing her all beat up was shocking to him & it would have been to me too. He asked if I wanted to help too – I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t have much free time, so I offered to gather up some baby clothes for her – and told him to steer her into some professional help. Eventually he told me all she needed was a friend..but I told him to be CAREFUL and not get too involved…but he kept me informed for a couple months of her status etc, & he helped her dad move her out from her boyfriends into a Women’s shelter.
To make a a REALLY long story short – he got too involved. To a point where he gave her his phone number, paid for her phone a couple months (behind my back) so they could stay in touch, and I found out – at least THAT stopped anyway. Went to visit her, drove her to Dr.. apts’s, etc. Texted and called each other literally hundreds of times…after he told me he doesn’t talk to her much anymore. I think he got sucked in and felt her total vulnerability and just wanted to help, but KNEW I wouldn’t approve of some of the things he did…so he kept it from me. Later he said he kind of just wanted to get her through the pregnancy….I don’t think HE even realized it was going to get like it did.
I looked at his phone after about 4-5 months, conversations were flirty at times, and just too close for comfort! They were calling each other babe, hon, doll, love, sweetheart, wild thing; and they had gotten REALLY close it seemed…telling each other they couldn’t wait to see each other again! It was just OUT of line for a married man. The lies kept coming, and I finally confronted him and he defended the situation to NO end and said that he helped her through the most difficult time of her life by JUST being a friend…and that I was jealous that he had a female friend! And sort of “blamed” me for not getting involved in the beginning. He told me she would LOVE to meet me! (after knowing all I found out – was I supposed to go and just be her FRIEND??) He re-assured me there was NO sex whatsoever and told me he would NEVER cheat on me…that their relationship is NOT like that. I was raging that he lied so many times, though, and we fought for months. I requested (demanded) he CUT contact immediately…he agreed that he should have ran the other way right in the beginning, and they cut contact…which only lasted a few weeks. she kept trying to get a hold of him from another phone…so I wouldn’t see it on the phone log.
We went back and forth about this, in between fighting and making up…at least 5 times over the course of a year or more. They would cut contact, then secretly somehow find a way to contact each other…even after I blocked her number from his phone. Even though it’s not like it was in the beginning anymore, he STILL will defend the situation to no end. He just kept telling me he wants to know how she’s doing, etc. and that’s ALL. And that I was looking too deep into it. She had since moved in with her parents, had the baby (he went to the hospital–lied about it), and moved into her own apartment). At one point, he even went and bought a TRACFONE so he could stay in contact with her and I wouldn’t know!–that lasted 2 months before I found it, confronted him and smashed it in the driveway. The conversations were NOT appropriate…even contained sexual innuendo..mostly from him. (He told me at one point yes they got to be very good “buds”…and could talk about anything–but they were NOT physically attracted to each other). okayyyy?? like you actually TALKED about that with another woman??
So…here we are today, almost TWO YEARS since they met..and I’m STILL finding that he “misses her, wants to see her, is determined to stay in touch, he’s really confused, etc. and has even used other people’s phones to contact her – STILL. It’s like they can’t go more than 2-3 months with no contact. (I’ve been forced to do my own “investigation” over the past few months to find out the truth–because he will lie if I ask him if there’s contact. I found out ALOT). He’s furious at me for making him sound like a “monsterous adulterer”. We are fine if the subject doesn’t come up. He’s very verbal about how much he loves me and wants ME forever – no one else. But Men don’t understand Emotional Affairs I guess. I even texted HER a few times to please stop contacting my husband.
She said she doesn’t “Want” my husband, never did, and that I’m making myself crazy. He’s only a friend. There is NEVER any resolve, and it gets rug swept all the time. Is it time for counseling? Oh, we tried that. He doesn’t like being the “victim”.
What is this??? Someone? ANYONE?? I’ve left out SOOO much, but you get the jist. if anyone has had a similar situation, PLEASE – I need people to talk to about it. I’ve been to counseling, talked to friends, etc. and I’m starting to lose my mind.