The following is a compilation of my journal entries when Dale and I were at our worst:
I’ve been married 12 years, my kids are 9, 5 and 4. My husband just told me he wants a divorce. It isn’t the first time, but this time is different. This time I feel he really means it and is ready to act on it. I’m just as guilty, I’ve threatened divorce many times, but in my heart, I knew I didn’t want one. Not because I loved him, but because I know what it will do to my kids and I don’t want to put them through a divorce.
I don’t know what to do, I just know I’m miserable. The second I hear the garage door open when he gets home from work, I feel my body tighten, I get physically uncomfortable and mentally prepare for him to be home. I love when he’s at work. He’s a fireman and often works 48 to 72 hours straight. The worst is when he comes home after a 3-day shift. I know he’s tired and mentally exhausted but I don’t want to deal with the attitude. I no longer feel bad for him when he’s had a rough day. I don’t feel love and appreciation for him like I use to. When he’s home, it’s just someone else I have to take care of. I’m exhausted from taking car of kids 24/7. I feel like I never get a break. The only family near us is his parents. They are older and I don’t feel comfortable leaving them with 3 kids. I’ve had kids around constantly for 9 years and it’s taken its toll. I know I should go out more, that I should spend time with my husband, we just don’t have any extra money. We’re financially strapped now, I can’t imagine what a divorce will do.
I start thinking of how it would change our lives. Will I have to get a job? Where will we live? We can’t afford the house we have now, how on earth can we afford 2? I have always told my husband he can’t leave. I would always use the kids and say “You aren’t going anywhere; 3 kids depend on you, grow up and deal with it.” I feel leaving is the easy way out for parents and the kids pay the price. I don’t want my kids to pay the price. I don’t want a divorce, but this time it’s different. I can feel it and I’m scared.
I’ve been going to church recently and that’s new for me. I was raised Catholic until I was 8 but when my parents divorced, church ended. I attended a Christian church in High School with my Dad but I had a bad attitude and thought the people were all hypocrites. The pastor got caught with a prostitute and in my mind proved I was right. But I like this new church, it’s huge and I relate to all the messages. I’ve only been a couple of times, but noticed in the program a marriage retreat for marriages in serious trouble. I called the number, not sure what to do. The person who answered the call said it was $1500 for the 3 day intense course but since I was a member of Central (I wasn’t) we could attend for $900. My good friend offered to watch my kids so we could attend. We don’t have the money but it’s cheaper than a divorce. Should we go? Yes, we should. I see no other hope. We’ve been in counseling for years but it hasn’t helped. I’m going to talk to Dale later and see what he says.
I called Dale at work to ask him about the marriage retreat. He said he won’t go, he’s done and doesn’t want to try anymore. I’m devastated, what does this mean? Do we have no hope? I called the number again and I told them what my husband said and asked if I could go alone. They said absolutely and maybe he would change his mind. I’m devastated with his decision but also feeling more determined to fix our marriage. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore, but more than that, I don’t want to raise my kids alone. I want them to know what it means to be a family. I signed up for the retreat.
These entries were from 11 years ago. I thank God he brought us through this and changed not only our marriage, but the trajectory of our family. We are still very happily married and our kids are thriving. Our family was not just restored, but made whole and happy. If we can overcome this anyone can, it just takes the decision of 1 person to make it happen.
