Living with an unhappy, miserable spouse is trying, depressing, and aggravating. I know from first-hand experience. A few years ago, my husband had a horrible attitude, was angry all the time and was determined to have me join him in his misery. This led me to be resentful, angry, and miserable. I found myself excited when he was going to be at work for a few days, but dreading the mornings he was coming home. (He is a fireman so he works 48 hours straight.) Eventually, it got so bad we were ready for a divorce. Fortunately, through a series of events, God took over my heart and changed me from the inside out. This eventually led to a complete and total restoration of our marriage. It has been over 10 years and we are still married and very happy.
There are 10 steps that God revealed to me over a period of time that changed my marriage. I’m going to share them here in no particular order.
1. Surrender your spouse to God. By this I mean quit trying to change their behavior and just love them where they are. (you won’t change them anyway) Assume your spouse is never going to change and just commit to changing what is in your control – you. Let God deal with your spouse.
2. Surrender yourself to God. Quit doing what you’ve always done and ask God how He wants you to behave. He will reveal it to you through books, good advice, sermons etc. Be open to changing the way you think and the way you behave. Your best thinking got you to where you are now. Ask God to show you a new way.
3. Spend time with God every morning. Pray for what you want but spend just as much time listening to what God wants you to hear. More than likely it won’t be what you think it should be. I always know it’s God talking to me when I think “well that doesn’t sound like something I want to do.”
4. Quit complaining about everything. Pay attention to what you say. Chances are you’re complaining more than you think. Try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and every time you complain about anything, including the weather, snap your wrist with the rubber band. You’ll quickly realize how much complaining you do. After you’ve stopped complaining out loud, pay attention to your thoughts and snap your wrist every time you complain in your head.
5. Focus on gratitude. Start a gratitude journal and write at least 3 things every day that you’re grateful for. When you find yourself unhappy or complaining, change your focus to what you wrote down earlier in the day.
6. Guard your input. Quit letting anything in your head that’s negative. For me, that required not watching the news, most TV shows, social media and not talking to a few of my close friends because they were always negative.
7. Be kind, loving, gentle, and patient with your spouse even when they don’t deserve it. This was one of the hardest things for me to do. God reminded me I have control over my actions regardless of my feelings.
8. Concentrate on your own personal and spiritual growth. Don’t try to share it with your spouse, just concentrate on your own growth.
9. Have no expectations of your spouse. As you start growing and changing it will be frustrating that your spouse is not. They may even get worse as you get better. Don’t expect any growth or anything positive from them, just focus on being the best spouse you can be with no expectations from them.
10. Commit to working on yourself and treating your spouse well with no expectations for at least one year before you make any decisions about your marriage. It takes time to change and time for your spouse to adjust.
Your marriage didn’t get this way overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. It is going to be unfair and one-sided. That’s ok. Stick with it and it will lead to happiness for you, even if your spouse never changes.
