The following article by Mort Fertel should help a lot of people feel better about their relationships. If you fight with your spouse, Mort says that’s a good thing. I definitely see his point that you won’t fight with someone you don’t care about. It’s just the type of fighting you do. Learning to discuss things instead of fighting is definitely a learned response. (and not easy I might add!)
Once my hubby and I learned to fight fair, our relationship improved immensely. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is to walk away for a while if I feel myself getting too upset. I don’t mean storm out either, I just call a time out for maybe 30 minutes and go calm down. While I’m calming down I’m thinking good things, not stewing over what was said and how I’m going to retaliate. I sit and pray or read a motivational book, just get my mind and thoughts in a better place. The more I practice this easier it gets and if your marriage is anything like mine, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to practice too. 🙂
Article by Mort Fertel:
Do you know whether or not your marriage will make it? I can tell you with near certainty. If you had to pick ONE THING that best predicts whether or not your marriage will succeed, what would you pick? You might say “conflict.” If you fight a lot, then that’s not a good sign, right? WRONG.
Would you believe that it’s the opposite?! That’s right; research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual AVOIDANCE of conflict. In other words, a couple who does NOT fight is at the greatest risk for divorce.
A couple came to me for private phone sessions and I asked them what was going on in their relationship.
“We never talk,” Kathy said.
“Why not,” I asked.
“Because we realized that that’s when we fight,” she responded. Isn’t it ironic? We try to avoid conflict with our spouse for the benefit of our relationship. But there’s nothing MORE damaging to your marriage than NOT fighting. Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is! Hate is close to love. To hate someone, you have to CARE about them.
Did you ever feel hate for your mailman? How about the clerk at the supermarket? You never hated them because you don’t care about them. That’s the opposite of love. But the closer you are to someone the more likely it is that you step on each other’s toes. Hate is actually a sign of hope. It means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advising you to go pick a fight with your spouse. You can’t fight so that you’ll have a good marriage. I didn’t say fighting is healthy. I said people in healthy marriages fight. In other words, the fact that you fight is a sign that deep down you really love each other, that your relationship has potential. But if you want to be happily married, you have to learn to fight WELL.
Successful couples know how to discuss their differences. This is not something that comes naturally to anyone; it’s a learned skill. And once you learn it, all the energy that goes into your fights propels your relationship forward. EVERY successful couple has areas of disagreement. No two people are perfectly compatible. “Irreconcilable differences” are like a bad knee or a chronic back—they’re part of every good marriage.
The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to fight well with the person you found. You’ll have “irreconcilable differences” with anyone you pick. The question is whether or not you can learn to discuss them.
If you’d like to learn how to discuss them as well as other marriage renewal tips, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.
