Is your spouse constantly crabby? Do they anger easily? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to make or keep them happy? Are you miserable because of their attitude? Should you leave and find someone who makes you happy?
When you’re living with someone who has a bad attitude, it seems like it would be easier to leave and find someone to treat you the way you should be treated. It seems unfair that their mood has such negative effect on you. You didn’t do anything, why are they treating you so badly. Should you leave?
My husband used to be very unhappy and angry all the time. When he’d come home from work, I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying not to make him angry. I tried to do whatever I could not to set him off. I never wanted to talk to him about anything that may upset him because I knew it would end up with him extremely angry and then he wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. After years of trying to please him, I was incredibly resentful of him and not very happy myself. I had turned into someone I didn’t like or want to be. I was miserable!
I remember the day very well that I decided enough was enough. He had come home from work and walked into the laundry room. The kids had dumped a laundry basket of clean clothes on the floor and he started yelling. I ran in the room and was scrambling to pick up all the clothes and put them away when all of a sudden it hit me. Even if I do this it won’t make a difference. He will find something else to be angry about. I finally got it. I had no control over his reactions and moods. He was the only one that could control him. As hard as I tried to make him happy, I couldn’t.
Fortunately I was smart enough not to point that out to him in that moment, but I made a decision that day not to let his attitude affect mine. I made a decision to be happy even if he was miserable, angry, crabby, yelling, silent, or any other negative emotion he had.
From then on I decided I would do whatever it took (within the vows of my marriage) to make myself happy. I started bombarding myself with positive messages through books, movies, anything that helped me maintain a positive attitude. I stopped watching the news and stopped talking to negative people (other than my husband). I prayed like crazy. And things got worse!! Instead of my husband changing his attitude to meet mine, he became even angrier and tried even harder to push my buttons. This went on for at least 6 months.
But I kept up with what I was doing because I could tell it was making a positive change in my life. At that point in time I wasn’t sure our marriage was going to survive. One thing I did know is that I wanted more than anything to be happy. I had no control over the choices my husband made, but I did have control over my choices. I chose to stay. I chose to be happy. I chose not to ruin my children’s lives with divorce. I chose everyday when I woke up to be happy. Sometimes I chose minute by minute. And sometimes I failed miserably. But every day I got a little stronger and my setbacks were further and further apart.
After about 8 months of me maintaining my positive happy attitude, my husband told me he was leaving. I was devastated on the inside, but I knew I had no control over him. So I said very calmly “I’m sorry you are making that decision, I love you and I want to be with you. I’m telling you right now that I am choosing to be happy. I will be happy with or without you but I’d rather it be with you. I have no control over what you do, just know that I don’t want you to leave but respect your decision.” Then I went in the bathroom and cried and prayed for God to just help me stay strong.
He didn’t leave that day. He knew the threat of leaving me was the final huge button pusher that usually set me off, either crying or fighting. When he didn’t get that reaction from me he realized that I really had changed. He decided to stick it out awhile longer and was open to changing his perspective. He started asking me how he could be happy too. We rebuilt our life together even better. It wasn’t always easy and it still takes work for each of us to be happy, but we both know we are the only ones responsible for making ourselves happy. It’s awesome now that we can share that happiness but don’t rely on each other to generate it.
I wonder what would have happened if I given up on our marriage after 5 ½ months of concentrating on my happiness. What if I had decided he wasn’t contributing to my happiness and left him? What if I decided it was just too much work? Our children would be living in a broken home right now. We would probably both be remarried and having the exact same problems we had with each other only with new partners.
It is not your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy. It’s not your responsibility to make them happy. It is your responsibility to honor your marriage vows and stay together. Sometimes that means giving way more than you take for a long period of time. It always means giving the best of yourself every day, your happy self, even when your spouse doesn’t deserve it. So do I think you should leave your spouse if their attitude is making you miserable? Obviously not, but you do need to set boundaries with your spouse and go on a journey to make yourself happy.
Here are 8 things you can do every day to help you on your journey……
- Pray every day for strength and guidance to maintain a positive attitude.
- Bombard your mind with positive thoughts and images.
- Don’t complain to anyone about anything.
- Distance yourself from negative people and influences in your life.
- Don’t watch the news or other drama filled negative media.
- Find one thing to be thankful for about your spouse and concentrate on that.
- Give grace to them even when they don’t deserve it.
- Choose to be happy, minute by minute if necessary.
Please message me if you need encouragement. It may be a long road to changing your own attitude and an even longer road to reaching your spouse. Sometimes you just need a little encouragement. I pray if you are reading this you will take the journey. God Bless!
Since posting this article, I have had many people write to me and ask what specifically they can do everyday to be and stay happy. I wrote a follow-up post to this called 10 steps to happiness that spells out exactly what steps I took to be happy. I encourage you to read it and try it. Please let me know how it works for you.
If you’d like to read an interview with my husband and see what he thought of all this click here.
If you’d like individualized help with your marriage click here for information on marriage mentoring.
Wow this impact me greatly. Ur story literally saved me. Im married for four years anf 99.9 percent dont know what to do what to say. but walk on egg shell so my husband wont bliw up. I always ask God what do i di but reading ur testimony has answered me prayers. Thank u
This is my testimony – dr.mac@yahoo. com save my marriage 3 weeks ago!!..
Like your story, maybe this is what i need!
What a good article and thanx. I think my story is even worse. If i cant share it to pple i feel i will comitee suciede. Myself and my husband have been married for 5 years but i was only happy before we got married, and has never loved me since we got married.
He loves me when im far but never when im close. we stay in different contries and i completely gave up since december 2011 but he came back to me crying that he wants me back. i accepted and we both organised that i should visit him. he provided me transport but when i went there he treated me badly like never before. At the airprort he stayed in the car up i until i walked alone to where he parked his car and entered into the car. I stayed there for i month but everyday he was blaming me for everything and i mean everything like, u dont know how to cook, to dress, yuo are rude, you are too thin for me so he doesnt have appetite, but 4 years ago he was telling me he loves me coz im slim like but now he says`get fat where do i touch u are too thin for me` but i havent lost weight at all.
My 1 month stay he refused to kiss me or me kissing him, has never welcomed my hug during my 30 days he was telling me tha he hates women and he is tired, not in the mood and blaming me everything.
Im back to my country but very upset and miserable. i dont think i will ever visit him again. He wanted me to resign my job and join him this december, but can i realy follow him with this situation? i cant
I am so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your marriage. Please find a good counselor in your area that can help you deal with your feelings. It sounds like your husband is unhappy in general and it’s not your fault. You need to surround yourself with uplifting godly friends that can help you get joy back in your life. I don’t know if your husband will ever be happy and treat you well, but I do know it’s up to you to be happy. I will keep you in my prayers. You can always private message me through the contact button also if you would like. God bless you.
thanx for your reply and your prayers, i`m praying as well and i asking God to communicate to me as to what i should do. I still feel the pain inside me and if only i had i would have not visited him. I`m full of regrets and blaming my selft for getting back to him.
If i call him during the day he says he busy working, after knocking off he says he is busy driving at ninght he says he is sleeping and doesnt want to be disturbed. the other problem is that he is not a believer, does not believe in prayer and and God. I knew all this before marriage but i said to myself, love changes everything and i will pray for him until he believes in the almighty God.
We are not legally married and i just think its too much and i should just leave him, so that i remain single and happy alone, i don`t know God help me.
Maybe he will change maybe he won’t but in my opinion you are lucky you’re not married to him. I truly believe that if you wait on God that he will send the one you’re meant to be with. Patience is everything but you must also have faith in God and continue to trust in him.
Me and my husband have been married for almost a year. I found this blog and this one really speaks to me. I have been trying to leave it up to God to help change my husband but its starting to just wear on everyone. I have an autistic son who he thinks he can change with physical punishment and he apologizes for acting mean towards me. He will just fly off the handle and yell. If things aren’t his way, it’s the wrong way. If I don’t have the house clean, I’m lazy even with having three little ones. Running around all day. I’m so sick of being dragged down. And becoming miserable. I am usually a happy, positive person and lately just depressed and want to give up!!
Thank you for taking the time to write this post, I really needed to read it today!!!!
I hurt my husband alot in the start of our relationship.. trying to make things right but failing even more eveeything I do makes him mad or angry or misurable.. y is it I cant sem to b the peeson he wants me to be .. I need to get this right for him..
Thank you for your article. I’m in the same boat, husband always miserable, moods affect everything but not sure whether to leave as have children and don’t want them to be in a broken home. I will definately try your positive outlook, don’t think it will change him but hopefully will make me happier 🙂
I really needed to read your post tonight. I’m not sure if my husband is the negative one or if its me- I think maybe me. I feel like my life is ground hog day. I live for my children. I love them more than anything. I gave up my life social, career everything to be a wife and stay at home mum. I will try minute by minute to be positive and happy. Thank you.
It takes a lot to admit it may be you. I certainly understand the ground hog day analogy! I too gave it all up for my family. I was miserable for years also. Once you decide to take control of your own happiness and stick to it, life will change and it will be something wonderful! I will pray for you and your family. So happy you made to decision to take control!
Why are we women trying to make our husbands happy? We try and try and fail. Because they make it impossible ? They set expectations on us that we cannot meet so they can complain. It’s emotional and psychological abuse! It’s not healthy for the children’s development. They are predisposed to becoming just as miserable because of their environment. I too have tried and tried to make my husband happy for 8 years and too tried the tactic above. I was always happy and positive but now I have changed. I am depressed. I was successful for a short time but now he is worse. He is mean. Unrealistic with his expectations. Complains about things and does nothing about it. He is a big kid. I have 3 kids and a stepchild- I need a partner – not another child. Where are their responsibility in all this. They need to grow up. We are enabling their behavior. I am glad that the tactic in the story worked for her and I hope it works for others. Try it. I already did and some of us will have to realize our husbands are sick mentally. Why would someone who really loves you want you to live miserably, stress the family? It makes the family life dysfunctional and kids feel the tension. I too believe in living in non-broken home but at what sacrifice? To the point your own nerves are shot and you become them ? I am exhausted trying to make it work and I want to be a better person and mother. I am leaving because he is selfish. Once I leave he will try everything to get me back and if he can’t he will blame me all his life because this person cannot accept responsibility for his own actions. If you can leave to save yourself and your children before every ounce of life and happiness is sucked out. It’s not healthy for you or your children to be around yelling miserable people. Obviously these men don’t appreciate you or the kids and are not very faithful if they choose to give a hostile tense environment to their family. They are not husbands or fathers. They sound miserable going through the motions. Sounds like they want their freedom. Give it to them. Use the law to make them be in their children’s lives what they deep down despise and they are not telling you- they hate they work to pay bills to support their family!!! They are miserable because they feel they are trapped. So get rid of them, get your child support and/or alimony and let them be miserable alone doing it. You go and raise your children happy and healthy. Children will see the difference. They are affected whether you stay or go. At least you are able to enjoy them and be happy with them. I don’t ever want a relationship again. I am leaving so I can enjoy my 3 children before they grow into teenagers. I feel robbed that I didn’t truly enjoy their younger years/ to busy tending to a big baby
Thank your for your honest response. It sounds like you are in the midst of a very miserable marriage. I will pray for you and your marriage. I have been where you are and it’s a horrible feeling. I will pray for God to give you the wisdom to do his will. Also the strength to do whatever He asks. He is a miracle worker and it sounds like you need a miracle. God bless you.
I waited and prayed for 8 years for a miracle. I think God answered my prayers but I was not listening. He will never change but I have the strength and will to survive this. Thank you and to any single women- if the one you are dating had issues, why deal with them. Find a partner who will be your true partner- not a child, not someone who doesn’t accept responsibility for his own actions, or blames his childhood or whatever because he is miserable and angry today. He will take it out on you and your children. He should have changed before met you because that bespeaks of his desire to change. We as women want to help them change because we are nurturers. We need to learn to read the signs to protect ourselves and our future children because out kindness and nurturing is our weakness. Makes us vulnerable to these miserable men. Don’t even deal with. I pray no one else has to endure what I have for 8 years or what other have dealt with that was/is worse. God Bless.
OMG – I am SO glad I came across this article. My husband is negative about anything and everything and I feel it killing my spirit. He throws up roadblocks to everything he (or I) want to do. He gets on these angry rants about his job and it is the same ugly conversation every day: I can’t possibly get everything done, so and so is an ***, my boss blah blah blah. I can’t stand it. I am currently taking medication for anxiety and I feel that his attitude is partially what makes me feel this way. I just phoned my husband because I wanted to set up a playdate for our child – he angrily told me that he will “probably have to work all day tomorrow” (Saturday) and that he “JUST DOESN’T KNOW” what’s going on this weekend. This type of response is all too common and it puts me in a sad mood. I have told him this. He told me that “he is a negative person” and is sorry that he makes me feel that way. I have found myself daydreaming about other men and I know this is awful. I don’t want to lose my marriage. It’s just hard to think of another 50 years of this. Does anyone understand?
Thank you for your encouragement. About 4 days ago I found myself in the same place where I decided enough is enough. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, have two boys, he cheated on me 7 years ago and it has been one of the worse nightmares of my life, he was also diagnosed with PTSD about 2 years ago (from the military) it has been very hard, he gets angry really easy and every little mistake I make, makes him so mad, I am tired. I’m focusing on myself at this point, I am really letting go and letting God, I am not responsible for my husband’s happiness, only God can. I will try my best to stay in this marriage and please say a prayer for us.. Thank you! and Praise God your marriage is where is at now!!
I’m glad I stumbled upon this tonight. Feeling very alone after another shouting match with my husband this morning. Whenever his decisions are questioned…quick, severe, emotional retaliations can be expected. He tells me I’m crazy, he tells me I’m selfish, he tells me to shut the f*** up, in front of our 3 teenage children.
I’m the one with the problem. I’m the one who needs help. I’m the one who needs to change. I’m the one who is unhappy and miserable. Yet in reality, he is the one who constantly complains, he is the one with the half empty glass, he is the one who is moody, silent and sullen. I’ve sought help from a counselor to try to “change” into the person who will make him happy, but there is always something I do, something I say, some way that I look, that creates a monster in him.
I’ve tried to be a happy person, but I just can’t keep at it anymore. I’ve kept at it for 20 years…I’m not sure I want this for the rest of my life. I’m not sure I can continue a life like this.
This is my husband to a t, and over 20 years too , my only saving grace is running it has been my escape and he criticizes that as well It’s emotionally draining , I have become stronger by focusing on what makes me happy and not being dragged in to his moods by walking away but still get dragged in as it’s so hard not to stand up for yourself sometimes, and I do at times just breakdown on my own and cry and just let it all out . I do still love him but then at times think I’m in love with the person I want him to be not the miserable one he is.
We haven’t had sex in 1 & 1/2 years….his anger and the stress/anxiety it produces in both of us I feel has killed our intimacy. It’s to the point where I just about can’t stand to be around him! Around other people he’s a delight but when we’re alone~ BAM! Out comes this angry, pessimistic, grace-less, unforgiving, judgmental, no patience, I’m the victim, I hate you God for doing this to me, let me point out all your flaws that are making my life hell-husband. The complaining makes me want to open the car door, while moving, tuck & roll just to get away! This article is encouraging but I’m still delve stated. :-/
What about the Kurds in this environment. I don’t leave because of them; is it worse to witness someone on a daily basis be negative and say immature things about me, their mother!
Kids, not Kurds, autocorrect!
We must understand that Jesus is our way to true happiness. We must set our foundation upon the Rock and then proceed to building our structure/armour of protection from negativity threw the strength of Jesus.
And for me as a man, I do feel the temptation to be angry, lazy, and not to be a good leader. I think the reason may have to be because I feel like if I pursue to be a good leader it will only anger me more because my wife wouldn’t listen and most guys I know have short patience like my self. But once I see my wife start to truly change into a leader, then the tables turn and I have the temptation of becoming a real leader. The love that pours out of her heart into her work is beautiful and if she can work hard and be happy ,then that not only attracts me more but instantly makes me want to be the man I’m suppose to be. Love is so powerful it can keep a couple together even if its only one person trying. But in order to have true love you must seek that from Jesus first then everything else will just fall into place as long as you keep Jesus first. Also guys we should be the first leader. We need to be strong and take the first step. Ask God for strength and patience.
Stress in our lives will drain your strength and accurate decision making dramatically. Get tactical and fight stress with wisdom and determination. It will empower you to accomplish great things in life and in marriage. Look for strength and wisdom from God. If you make the effort , God will make the difference.
I have stopped being a wife to him but live in the same house. He does not want to regret remorse or change. He is a liar cheater abuser and psycho for 8 yrs blowing hot and cold. Whereas i have improved career wise and been bringing up a genius teenager and happy toddler plus investing and saving. I am not leaving till my kids stand on their feet. I have been on my feet all my life. I dont give up my goals. This man has no idea who he is dealing with. GOD! He whom i pray to daily.
It’s very hard living with a man that makes you feel worthless. This is what I feel pretty much on a daily bases. Walking on eggshells would definitely be the correct term here. I get called demeaning names like dumbass and stupid. I love my husband, but I feel so numb inside. I want to be happy and I want the same for him. He is like a time bomb waiting to explode. I will take the advice this article gives and pray it works. Please wish me luck.
I meant “basis” on my comment.
Hi Everybody…
I am going through a similar situation as you all are in. Everyday he make me realize that I am worthless. His mood swings like anything. Everyday I wake up with a fear…that donno what will be his mood today and how he is going to treat me. I was a very ambitious girl a year back when I was not married to him. Still I am…but now that passion and love is ending day by day. His mood swing is making me mentally sick. someday he loves me, he treats me like a kid, ponder lots of love and care and the very next day he will abuse me like anything, and make me feel ashamed on myself.
I cannot leave him because I love him. He was good before marriage, after marriage he got to know about my affair which was before marriage. the topic has nothing to do with our after marriage life, because i was and i am 100% loyal to him. Just to take revenge (as he said) he cheated on me twice after marriage. He never feel bad about what he did with me, but just pointing out my past stories he is making my life miserable. Everyday he use to curse me…I am tired of all these shits….please please help me out … and guide me that what should i do. please i need suggestion should I leave him or stay with him.
It sounds to me like your husband is so angry about your affair he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Sounds like he loves you but the torment in his head over the affair makes him act crazy. Have you two been to counseling? Do you have children? If you don’t have children, please do not start a family with this man unless you both get some help. I would suggest a 3 day intense program my husband and I went to it’s called savemymarriage.com. I am not affiliated with them in any way. I just know they work, especially for couples with trust issues. Send me a private message if you want more information. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hi Tammy,
Thank you so much for you kind reply.
We just got married 11 months back and we are not having children.
Yes I do think he loves me, but my question is if he loves me then why cant he forgive me. my affair was just a simple affair..that’s it. in fact he was also having several affairs before marriage, in fact physical relationships with girls. but i never pointed out those things from his life because the only thing i know is that i love him.
Tammy last Friday I left him and came to my daddy’s home. Still i am with my family. Last Thursday he crossed the limit and was cursing and abusing me like anything…I didn’t informed him that I am leaving. After he left for office on Friday i left home. But when i came he spoke to my brother and told him everything about our relationship and why i left him (he told my brother about all my past stories). but he didn’t said to my brother that he use to abuse me and he is making me mentally sick. he told my brother about his extra-marital affair and also said that because of my mistake (which was before marriage) he did this all to me. but on Monday itself he said sorry to me and said that he want me back in his life. he said that he ll try to forget everything and also that he loves me. the only thing he has asked, is for more time to forget all my past story.
I donno tammy what should I do. when i remember all those things and tortures he has given me i feel pain and only pain at deep inside my heart. I don’t feel like going back to him, yes i know i still love him, but the pain is much bigger then my love. I really want your reply —- what should i do???
Unfortunately I can’t tell you what you should do. I think it’s good that you set boundaries and don’t allow him to verbally abuse you. It sounds like your relationship was not built on trust and it’s going to be difficult to trust each other now. I also get the feeling you don’t think your affair was a big deal. Apparently he does think it was a very big deal and until you acknowledge his pain and you guys can work through it, I don’t see it getting much better. If I were you I would go to a counselor on my own and try to work out what to do. I would also pray and and see what God wants you to do. Focus on God and the path He takes you on. Pray constantly and spend quiet time everyday just listening for Gods instruction for your day. I will continue to pray for both of you.
Hey tammy…thank you for your reply.
He came to take me back and from today I am with him at our home. He was sorry about his behaviour with me and he said he is not going to repeat all those shits again. And also accepted that he loves me a lot. I came back just with a faith that he is going to keep his words this time. I love him a lot…and hope that one day everything is going to be well.
and yes we have also seen a psychiatrist (marriage councellor). according to him my husband is in pain because of my past and also said that he is suffering from “self defeating personality” disorder. the doctor has prescribed him with some anti-depressant.
but after 2 months of counselling he stopped going to the doctor and said that he don’t need any medication or help.
I’ve decided to stay, and so has my wife, but we’ve had to make adjustments so that we don’t piss each other off or hurt each other. Changes I’ve had include:
No more smoking weed. Ok. I guess. she can take my kid and run if I’m testing positive for pot in a state where its not legal, so OK. she wins this one. But she still loses. She fell in love with “guy who relaxes with weed”. Now she gets the “total a-hole guy” that I am without it. She’s lucky I don’t like alcohol.
I don’t speak to her unless asked a direct question, then I only answer that exact question. She gets closeness from “quality time” and “deep conversations”. I get closeness from physical affection and sex. Since she gives neither can she recieve lest my anger build. No more connecting with her and feeding her needs while mine are overlooked.
I will never, ever initiate sex with her EVER again. If we DO have sex it will be because SHE initiated, and I happen to be in the mood and didn’t just masturbate earlier to get rid of the urge to have sex.
There will be no “dating” or even “pretending” we love each other anymore. The joke is old at this point. We both know there’s no resuscitating any romance, because I know romance never leads to passion it leads to “i have a headache” or the same plain vanilla emotionless sex we always have, where she’s way to goofy and not near serious enough about it. Knowing there’s a rotten apple at the end of “date night” makes me not even want to start to try to woo her anymore.
So yeah, I’ve given up on ever having a fun exciting sex life, with her its going to be “vanilla sex”, the exact same sex, every time. She’ll always want the lights off, and she’ll always feel fat, and she’ll never want to do oral or 69 or wear lingerie or really any of the things I’d like to do with her beyond basic missionary.
She doesn’t hug or touch me, so I won’t hug or touch her either anymore.
The purpose of our marriage is to raise our children with the impression that they’re being raised in a healthy, happy family. It doesn’t have to BE that for our children to THINK it, we just have to PRETEND it, because that’s the best she and I will ever muster together.
I stopped “giving to get”. I’m never going to get anything out of this relationship because she doesn’t care whether or not I’m happy. Working hard at trying to make her happy just makes her want to make HERSELF more happy. I give knowing I’ll never get anything near what I give in return and just accept that.
I used to think that to me, my definition of love was “when someone else’s happiness means more to you than your own”. I treated my wife that way for 10 years.
Then I had a baby, and I feel I need to update my definition of love.
“when someone else’s happiness is the only thing that means ANYTHING to you”. That’s love. That’s how I feel about my son. Me being happy in this marriage is now irrelevant. My happiness means nothing to me. Her happiness means nothing to me. His happiness is the only thing that means ANYTHING to me.
Wow it sounds like you have some serious anger and resentment towards your wife. I know that feeling and I’m sorry you feel that way. I like your last sentence about love. It is so easy to love our children with unconditional love even when they mess up, but so hard for us to do the same with our spouse. I had the same anger towards my husband that you have towards your wife. I know it feels like she doesn’t care and she will never change. She may not. You are not doing your son any good by “pretending” to be happy. You need to BE Happy. I admire you for staying with your wife even though you are not happy because of your child. It seems like such an admirable thing to do for your child. However, your happiness is important. You need to find a way to be happy within your marriage even if your wife doesn’t change. It’s not impossible. I know because I did it. It took my husband almost a year to change his ways. I was prepared to stay and be happy even if he didn’t change. He had no plans to change. If you ask him now he would even tell you he tried to sabotage my happiness and was even angrier when I started to change and be happy. You will need to make a conscious effort every day to be happy while honoring your marriage. I wrote an article about exactly what I did every day to be happy. Here’s the link if you’d like to read it I will pray for both of you and I hope you will decide to be happy. 🙂
I don’t think your link posted.
Unfortunately I’m fundamentally unable to be happy without sex, so honoring my marriage and finding happiness are mutually exclusive at this point.
What if you are married to a verbally abusive (to kids and me) alcoholic spouse? How do you stay happy in a situation like that
I decided that I am done with him but I do feel sorry for kids so I just live under same roof. He has cheated lied and I just found out my marriage was a beard. He seemed gay now I found out he can be bi sexual too. He can call me and even god all names. He loves his male friends and hia own family even if they scorn him. We dint talk unless important. I dont look at him at all. I totally resent knowing him but try my best not to be angry. Its not worth my life with my kids to be angry. I sleep well and work and do usual chores and tv and read and shop while going to and fro work. I am from out of country and I dont have anyone here except some friend. My immediate family is not supportive except I support my widowed mum financially. My life is just simple and more peaceful. He does grocery and maintain bills and house outside. I pay daycare and necessities for kids and me and my phone bills. He earns 3x more! I dont want to think of future. I have investments and savings and continuing. I believe god and my late dad will help me. As long as my kids are in a family no fights no quarrels just quiet with food educatiin toys and love for them.My life and theirs is complete. If any harm were to be imposed on them then I shall activate plan b.
Hello G, My question to you is that, is this life? is this what marriage is? I am totally confused on when it’s time to draw the line? I personally do not feel this marriage….it sounds like room mate!!!. it will be interesting to converse more with you, maybe you can shed more light into my dilema
Hi kitty
Sorry for the very late reply. I have moved on , it’s been 2 years and divorce is almost done, I had to apply for protection order and he asked for divorce saying he was afraid I would get him into trouble ugh never mind…there comes a time to say stop and give up… and I met someone last year July Independence Day so symbolic !!! Anyways my soon to be ex has been suddenly very cooperative with kids and finance. I have also been the same. I am working as always having the time of my life. I have time for myself!!! After all these married life!!! Salsa, tennis, walk, jog, make up lessons, vacation fostering pets adopted two cats lost 10 lbs etc!!! Ladies and men, first things first, Job, money, roof!!! Go for that freedom of choice and happiness!!! Plus pray pray pray!!
My husband and i have been together for going on 8 years now and married for 1 and a half. We have 2 children, a boy of 3 and a girl of 6 months. Before we were married he broke up with me about 5 times (i’ve actually lost count to be honest) because i didn’t respect his need to have boys nights out on the regular basis he was having them (2-3 times a month) and also due to the involvement of one of his friends who always used to egg him on to continue behaving that way (not that i hold the friend liable for his actions, but the disrespect resulted in many fights as my husband never defended me or understood where i was coming from). About 3 months ago we had another huge fight when he had spent about 3 consecutive nights out either drinking with friends, or training with a mutual friend. I was upset as i was paying for majority of our living expenses (as his financial obligations were to parties like his employee, his repossessed vehicle and the small amount of debt incurred from our wedding), looking after both children and cleaning house where i could, with him cooking dinner every night but failing to perform other simply husbandly duties without being asked to do them. His defence is that he feels neglected by me both sexually and affectionately and doesn’t really see why he should be at home if he doesn’t get any attention, but my argument is that i don’t know how i can be expected to give my self whole-heartedly to him when he doesn’t give himself whol-heartedly to me. Since this last big fight, he has stopped the drunken late nights, but he now feels the need to have 2 sunday breakfast runs a month with his biker club and spend 2 nights a week doing muay thai training. I have worked out that this means that we get to spend about 55% of his free time with him and 45% of it goes to his hobbies. Is this an acceptable ratio being an adult man with a wife and two children? Because i’m having some extreme difficulty coming to terms with it, and the time that he spends on his hobbies is when i feel angered and hurt, and actually makes the time that he is at home uncomfortable and pointless because there is no passion from my side anymore.
I really like this article, I am going through similar and can relate to bits and bobs from all comments and I must say it is truly hard to be happy and optimistic when you are married to a “miserable” spouse. Words cant express the hurt and sadness relating to this topic.
My only consolation and my hope lies on GOD…………….indeed with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!
I strongly agree with this article and hence forth I shall live my life as happy as I can possibly be, living every minute to please me. Making God my main source of inspiration and happiness and living accordingly to uphold my marriage vows. IT IS WELL!!!!
My fiance` and I have three beautiful children, two from her previous marriage, and one with me. Those girls know me as their father. I’ve always been Daddy to them, and always will be. However, my fiance` is the most miserable person in the world. She is never happy. She is difficult about everything and for no reason. She refuses to have a wedding, stating that even something small is a waste of money. She has no goals or dreams she wishes to share. She has no idea what she wants to do career-wise, and has openly said she would be perfectly content working at Walmart for the rest of her life. She doesn’t enjoy meeting people, will not speak to my friends or family, and is quite rude in public and family get-togethers. She doesn’t talk in person, only by text message. And wakes up every single day mad at the world. She gets mad if our 7 month old daughter wakes up at night and needs a diaper change or bottle. In her words, “I don’t care what she needs. She should be sleeping through the night by now.” She doesn’t particularly clean much, and the condition of our little home when I return from working two jobs shows it. She doesn’t understand the need for savings accounts or investments for the future, and is so financially irresponsible, it’s a nightmare. She is a complete drain on my financial well-being, attitude, and overall happiness. I have never been able to relate as much stress to a single person or thing in my life. Please, please, please, PLEASE help.
I want to make this work, and for both of us to be happy more than anything. For the kids…
She may have post-partum depression. I felt this way after I had my second child. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until a few years later. There is an underlying reason for her to feel this way. Possibly go to counseling together(if possible).If you can’t afford mental counseling for the both of you, then if you attend church, meet with the pastor. He/she may have some insight to help you with this issue. I was told by my ex- husband that I was the one who needed counseling, not him. Obviously, this counseling did help me- but not our marriage because he reused to go. With you working 2 jobs, which can be very stressful on the relationship and everything else, maybe more communication could help. Start praying and check out some books at the Christian book store on marriage. Try to do this before you get married, so your marriage will be stronger. I will pray for you and your fiancé tonight.
My heart goes out to you and your children! My heart also goes out to your fiance my prayers are with all of you. Do not get married unless you have this issue worked out for many months before you even think about a date for your wedding. The last comment I agree with go to your church and get some premarital counseling and also it does sound like post pardum that’s a terrible thing to go thru and in some cases womaen do not even know that there is a problem. Unless she was like this before the baby was born in that case she may have another depression disorder which there are medications for get her into a Dr. As soon as you can. The children (the girls) look at her and since they are girls she is the strongest role model in their lives. I’m sure you do not want them to grow up like that thinking that’s the correct way to treat people or see what an unhealthy relationship mommy and daddy have because they will seek that in a marriage. I pray that she will seek and accept help and you try your best with Gods help to hang in there. God brought you together for a reason. Praying for Gods will to be done.
This sounds a lot like ADHD or aspergers to me – I have both (and had postpartum issues as well), and this doesn’t really strike me as postpartum depression, but they are all with reading up on. That’s my best guess without more information. People with ADHD have a hard time cleaning because they’re brains are just wired differently (but counselin and treatment can work well, just as it can with the other two suggestions mentioned). People with Aspergers and those with social anxiety or introversion may feel the same way about socializing. As someone with Aspergers I am always interested in careers with clear structure and expectations, but don’t know many people who are really happy working there or similar jobs long-term. Good luck, it’s hard when you have different personality types, but you can complement and learn from one another as well. My husband says those things to me on a daily basis and I know there is some truth to it, but not much appreciation or understanding in his communication either. Please both try to put yourselves in each other’s shoes and think about how hard it is to stay at home or to commute to work and always worrying and never getting time to think, they are both difficult in very different ways. God bless!
I am a very happy and positive person with every aspect of my life, but struggle to remain so when it comes to my husband. This is exactly what I needed to read.
I needed this article right now. I am beginning to experience anxiety attacks as a result of my husband’s stress and negativity. I don’t want to leave him but I am really concerned about my well-being in this daily environment. Thank you for sharing.
Wow! thank you thank you thank you. I just got engaged and my fiance has started this type of behavior and I knew immediately it would have to change. He knows it too! I have tried the “be happy anyway” approach and ignore his ways and talk to him about it, and it doesn’t work. I pray regularly and decided to be happy and go to church! He is still pulling his over sensitive reactive dramas, but I just quietly walk out of the room and do my own thing. He feels stupid about it later. I am strong so I know he will cave in, but I am showing him how to treat me, since he is so insecure about things. I hope this will lead to an even stronger marriage. What’s a shame is that we are happy 80% of the time and we laugh and tell jokes, then he gets angry about something small! I am taking a chance on him and I am hoping it works out!
Step lightly and postpone that marriage if you don’t see significant change. My husband showed no signs of this behavior early on. He was attentive, loving and caring. PA is disguised well until one day you simply no longer measure up. Then, the door closes and you wonder what in the world you did and the vicious cycle of crazy making begins! Be very careful!
Nycole, It’s good you recognize warning signs before you actually get married. I would delay that wedding until you are certain his behavior will change. Marriage usually magnifies not diminishes problems. I agree that you need to teach him how to treat you. Some men just don’t know. Whatever you allow and put up with they will continue to do. I like that you leave the situation when he is being dramatic. If you can both get God to the center of your lives I bet you will see a huge change. Just please be careful about marrying someone that you want to change. Why not wait and see if he changes before you marry him?
I loved this article when I read it. I have been in a marriage with an unhappy man for twenty years. I used to think I could help him but then realized after many years that I cannot make him happy. He needs to be happy in his own. His main complaint for not being happy is that he hates the state we live in. He wants to move. I make good money and enjoy my current location. I am unwilling to sacrifice my happiness for the possibility of him regaining his happiness. Is this selfish? My only resolution to this is that he move and get a job and then I could move when and if there are changes in his attitude. He is a good man and a good dad. It makes me sad that he cannot find the inner peace we all deserve. Thanks for listening.
I’ve moved around a lot. I learned that it didn’t matter what city I lived in. Yes, fresh starts were exciting, but distracted me from certain underlying issues. I learned that I can make happiness wherever I am. That being said, it took many fresh starts for me to come to this realization.
Although it sounds like he is trying to find happiness for himself, I don’t think you are being selfish. It sounds like you are confident in what you want. It is very loving and patient of you to support him in his decision, and giving options on ways you can support him. I hope things work out ok for you.
I have lived with guilt of not being understanding, not fulfilling my responsibilities of a good wife. I know he had a horrible childhood, not because of what he has told me but because in 20 years I know nothing of his childhood. He has checked out emotionally and physically. We have sex only when he determines – about once a month if I’m lucky. He told me about 6 yrs ago he simply isn’t interested anymore. He completely ignores what I say most of the time. Have had dr appts in the last couple weeks with no interest in what’s going on. Don’t tell me anymore that I have to be happy, I am. But I’m also abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, care for me and be there for me. I have great kids but one day they will all be gone. I don’t think I can take much more of the emotional abuse – let’s call a spade a spade. His passive aggressive emotional control won’t change unless he determines to and while “he is not to blame” why should he change? This is a great concept but in the last four years, it has done nothing for my marriage but to further make the gap into an abyss. The happier I am the more distant he becomes- and who is ignoring who? Why me if course. I am the one to blame. If I was more understanding, if I was more attentive, if I would just fall into the belief once again that any problems I “conjure up” are all in my head, I’d see how badly I disrespect him. Nope, not buying it anymore. He lives a secret life. How do I know? Because he does it right I under my nose. He keeps things on the down low , nothing bad, nothing suspicious but like not asking about my health issues, he doesn’t disclose any information about the things he does. When I ask (often times trying to be very upbeat and positive) he will shrug his shoulders and tell me he didn’t see a need to tell me. What the hell?!?! We are freaking married, aren’t we supposed to share? I found a blog by a Christain man that perfectly described my life. It was about the disengaged husband/father. Before anyone says I should look for ways to help him engage or ways that I have not been the submissive wife, let me remind you I have – but when the husband, who is supposed to be the spiritual leader refuses to lead, refuses to make a decision (whether it is out if fear or resentment) somebody needs to make the decision. He has no interest in our finances, N.O,N.E. He has told me so. Yet he whines and complains that we never have enough money. How the hell would he know?! He determined about 5 yrs ago that one of his vacation weeks should be completely his to do only as he wants (like that isn’t every vacation because to go anywhere with the kids or ourselves, which we have NEVER done because every trip I’ve ever planned for the two of is he sabotages) – why should he get that vacation? Because “I work my ass off for this family and deserve to do what I want to for a change”. Really? Okay. I’ve only been a mother for 28 years (two kids from a previous marriage) and never have had a week to “do what I want for a change”.
In theory, I would agree with your plan. Unfortunately, for some of us, we are atill in that stage of choosing to be happy while he gets angrier and shuts down more. After years not months. I don’t want a divorce, it’s a death and affects everyone and leaves scars but I truly cannot live like this anymore.
I’m sorry you are so unhappy in your marriage. Your husband sounds a lot like my husband was, just totally disengaged from the marriage. Was there a time even before you were married that you two were happy? If so I believe you can get that back. I know you say that you are happy but I hear a lot of resentment and anger in what you typed. You say in theory you agree with my plan but have you ever really done the necessary things for a long period of time? If you’ve read any of my other posts, specifically 7 days to a happier marriage, I recommend giving your marriage 1 year of solid commitment from you with no expectations from your spouse. Most people give up after a couple of weeks of not seeing any progress. I’ve shared that it took my husband 6 months to even begin to question how he could help the marriage. In those 6 months he actually became more withdrawn and tried even harder to start arguments with me. It was an incredibly difficult journey but I’m so glad I stuck with it. Do you really want to be happy? That was a question I had to ask myself. I was so incredibly angry with him and so resentful I had to make a choice every day sometimes every minute to not let his attitude change mine. Sometimes the anger is so justified it’s hard to let it go. I would love to help you if you want to contact me privately. I know the pain you are going through and I can hear it in what you typed. There is hope.I will pray for you and your marriage.
Honestly, I’ve committed the last three years to no expectations. He has complied well. His family sees it, people at church see it, he is the only one who doesn’t. It is sad. I believe after reading a ton, combing through websites, he is a depressed passive aggressive. He cannot see anything good. I have talked to him about it, he changes his ways for a few days but goes right back. “How was your day?” “Well, it’s over, that’s about all I can say”. Just when you think it’s going to be better, WHAM! a slap in the face. Yes, I want to be happy. Yes, there was a time we were, when I complied and backed off. But when he started in belittling the kids, I grew a backbone. Two of our kids think he hates them and I assure then that’s not true. I have tried to understand his helplessness in the emotional bankruptcy of his childhood. But he needs to make effort too. Go here, this is the blog I mentioned. I am like you, really. You happen to be one of the more fortunate ones. I don’t understand really, but can say that God is equipping me daily sometimes by the minute as you say, to live a happy life despite the guilt that is piled for being so.
http://richardetrader.blogspot.com/2011/05/passive-father.html
Thank you for prayers! And I would love to speak with you!
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps a lot to get this perspective!!
When I talk to anyone about my husband’s behavior which is very similar, I’m told I should leave him and don’t deserve to be treated like this. We have been married for almost a year, and together for a little over 4.
I have always been pretty even keeled, but I’m stubborn and will stand my ground which gets me in trouble.
My husband will start fights over little things too, and I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
If he catches me off guard, either I get anxious and respond badly, or if I’m in a good mood I’ll try to be positive through it. The latter never works for me, because he ends up picking at me until I break down.
Once we’re in a fight, he will follow me from room to room in the house and I can’t get away. If I leave and he calls me, he will threaten me to stay on the phone. Today he pushed me and I’m pretty much done with this marriage.
We are also in contract for a house. He said if I cancel the house contract until our marriage stabilizes he will leave.
How do I try and stay positive through all of this? Do you think I should leave?
Valerie, it sounds like you are very conflicted and understandably so. I know you say you’re done with this marriage but you are still there so that tells me you aren’t done, you’re just frustrated and want things to change. When people get so frustrated, it feels like you want to leave, to just make the pain and frustration stop. You definitely need to do something. Is your husband open to getting help? If not, you’re going to have to work on it yourself. And that’s ok. You may be stubborn but if you really want things to change, you’ll have to work on changing your reaction to your husband. People get stuck in the same patterns and wonder why nothing changes. He knows exactly what to do to push your buttons. I know how this feels. My husband did the same thing. I had to change how I reacted to him and eventually things changed. It will take commitment and perseverance on your part. If you leave the marriage now, chances are you’ll get into another relationship that just repeats what’s happening in this marriage. If you work on yourself and change your perspective, every relationship you have will benefit. I suggest you read my article 10 steps to happiness and follow those things I did to keep myself positive. If you’d like some in depth help and want to invest in a marriage program, I’d suggest MarriageMax Since I haven’t written my own program yet, I’m reviewing other marriage programs and this one is really good. You can do it without buying a program but some people find it easier to have a structured program to follow. I’d be honored if you kept me updated on your progress.
Hi Tammy,
Your kindness is really life saving right now! I appreciate your input more than I can even express right now.
You’re right, I say I’m done but actually leaving is another thing. He did agree to go back to counseling but it’s hard to have any hope.
Patience and perseverance are two things I can improve on, and will do my best to practice the points you outlined in your article. They’re all so helpful and things I know deep down, but putting them into practice is another story! Haha
I appreciate you so much for sharing your experience with this difficult situation, and helping others. I’ll keep you updated as things progress.
Thank you ❤️
Valerie
I’m having same issues it’s been going on for 2 years straight now to the point I got so sick I was depressed I got diagnosed with bipolar. I’m good now I stopped taking the meds I only take sleeping pills. Can you help me.
Wow you just wrote everything i have been feeling for years. Well…at least i know im not alone in this battle. 🙁
You should leave him and find your own happiness without him,he is not worth it !!!
Hi
I too have the same issue. Problem is i have been trying for more than 4 years now. Yes it got better on some days and i would feel like im still in love, but when he gets into one of his fits again, i really hate the fact that he is causing so much unhappiness in my life. He came from a broken family and i have read and understood why he is behaving in such a manner due to PA, i have tried to stay true to my vows and went counselling, putting down my pride n smiling at him even though he was at fault, even decided to quit my job and both went on a year long break fully paid for by me when i learnt that stress at work is making him into an angry person. Im the one supporting the house financially, and im the one planning all the holidays and making all the decisions, he cant finish any task that require more than 5 steps. Im very strong, but when i have to coax my hubby just to have dinner with my parents, i feel totally worthless. We have been together 12 yrs now and married for 4. I am sure life is better without him. But cant bear to give it up. Pls help.
Everyday I have to speak with my husband, it almost always results with him saying “why are you so mad? Do you have to have an attitude? Why do you hate me?” I know that I have a tone in my voice most of the time….I probably sound angry and mad, and a lot of times it is because i am…for many different reasons (the dog tore something up, the kids acting out of order, the house is a mess, and my husband just waits for me to clean it up) i feel like if i am the only one that has to try, that is not fair. (i understand this is wrong thinking) i am now trying to speak in a softer, loving voice (attitude free) that will not provoke anger to anyone in my household. let me tell you, this is very difficult to do!
thanks for the artical
I’m on the other side of the spectrum. I am the angry one. I grew up having a very unhappy, depressed, and negative mom. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I swore I would never be like her. I used to be happy and laugh all the time, now (I’m 31) I am acting somewhat lile my mom. I no longer have that positive outlook in life. I miss who I was. My fiancé(we have been together for four years) keeps telling me he can’t take my attitude anymore. I don’t do it intentionally. I want to stop being crabby every day, but can’t. I went through alot growing up. I was molested at the age of 11, my mom did nothing about the issue. My parents fought all the time, my mom was suicidal, and my mom put me down alot as a child. I’m not trying to use the “my parents messed up my life” card, but it was tough. I think I just have alot of anger inside of me, and I don’t know how to let go of all those negative feelings, so sometimes I think I subconsciously expell my attitude. I have tried seeing a Therapist, it worked for a little bit. I don’t enjoy being a lemon, and it’s not fair to my loved ones. I’m not saying having a negative attitude is ok b/c it’s not. But I’m sure your husbands deep down don’t mean it. All I know is I just want to be happy like I used to be, and live a happy life. Good luck to all of you!!
Hello Sally. I had a similar childhood to what you described. That happiness you described cannot be maintained when you still feel the pain of your childhood. I urge you to find a counselor and do the work it takes to compartmentalize your childhood trauma. Tackling the pain of the sexual abuse was hard but not as hard as tackling the damage my mother did to me. One day I just got to a point that I let it go. I forgave myself for holding on to the pain & the bad decisions I made because of it. I gave myself permission to move past it & to be happy. I forgave my mother too when she started to tackle her issues. She was also abused (the dreaded cycle). The memories are with me forever, but I let go of the pain. I am genuinely happy now. I am happy with myself & I find it easy to find the light in my everyday life. So, I hope that you have the will to find the love in your heart. Life is too short & too precious not to give yourself the chance to be happy. You can find it again.
hi
I am fed up. I read your article above a week or so ago and can’t get it out of my mind. I am going to try your suggestion and see what happens. I am a very happy person and my husband is so miserable, I find it heart breaking to watch, and exhausting to try to change. But, after 5-1/2 years I finally realize his moods have NOTHING to do with me and I have started the steps to live my life accordingly. In the mean time we are going to a counsellor regularly and we have family support as things are on the rocks. I want to focus on surrounding myself with happy people and experiences. I think your story is inspiring. Either he’s going to walk this path with me, or not. Here I go…
This blog was heaven sent for me. I have been dealing with issues of negativity in my marriage and have chosen to try harder at being happy because I am at the moment of realization I have CHOICE to be happy. I can not try to “fix” my husband, all I can do is pray for strength and guidance and for my husband to find peace as well. I was overjoyed to see I am not the only one to have gone through this situation and it just lets me know God is always watching and listening, as well as placing blessings and reassurance of your journey in your path. This has helped tremendously in me continuing on my positive thoughts and helping the choice to be happy a little easier. Thank you
I have been married for 26 years,we have raised 3 boys and now have 3 gands.He as always been unpredictable with his anger,I never know whats going to set him off.he has never hit me but his words are just as bad.I stayed for the kids and the fact that our house is built on my dads property.The kids are grown now and I’m still here.I try to do everything he wants so he don’t get mad but nothing is ever good enough.He can be wonderful one minute and a complete jerk the next.I can remember when the kids still lived at home if he couldn’t find the remote they would all be scrambling trying to find it so he didn’t get mad,just stupid stuff.I can’t have my grandkids over because he acts like he hates them.I am miserable! I pray to god everyday! I really don’t know what to do.
I agree with all this article says— but HELP! What do you do when kids are involved? I am having the hardest time showing respect to my husband who is an unhappy man who acts rude and unfairly… and I have no idea how to balance the kids (3) in with the mix. He is a strict/perfectionist type parent and never had siblings or a parent relationship growing up. He over reacts and acts very rudely/meanly to the children — sort of “accusatory” towards them especially when the youngest sibling gets hurt or cries. I am walking on eggshells all the time and just trying to prevent blow ups from him towards the kids. (I cried when I read the part in your article about how your husband reacted to the kids and the laundry– I relate!). I started to warn kids like “let’s not do that when dad is around” but then started to feel yucky inside about doing that– I don’t want to teach them to “conform” to make dad happy. I feel very stuck in the middle. I want to teach my children they must obey/listen to their father but when he is rude, mean, and unhappy all the time and acting, quite frankly selfish and childish (more childish than kids!!!) I end up defying him and sticking with the kids. Case in point: middle child is holding 18 month old’s blanket and when dad is having a fun moment– tickles middle child and middle child lets go of blanket absently, baby who was holding blanket falls but doesn’t get hurt but cries for a moment out of being startled. Husband starts scolding and demanding middle child to go to room in the middle of our family time– very unfairly and meanly and rudely. Middle child starts crying because he doesn’t honestly know what happened or why he is being yelled at. I tell husband “It was an accident” and hug startled middle child keeping him next to me on the couch. Husband gets frustrated and mad and leaves. I know this is not healthy and that is why I am asking because out of all the articles i have ever read this one is very close to how our house is and how husband is and what I am trying to do… Please any advice you have would help.
My husband sounds like yours. I have been married for goi g o 32 years and the house and kids were always in turmoil. I used to believe it was all my fault. The kids are grown now but nothing has changed. My husband can be nice one minute and blow his stack a minute later about the smallest thing. I dont drive and when I ask him to take me somewhere he says sarcastically…..im a taxi driver now. I dont talk much to him cause when I do it turns into a lecture or an argument. He is always angry.
Do you work? Would you be able to stay with any family or friends with your kids if you decided to leave? You should stand up to your husband in a calm manner. Say I am sick and tired of your nasty attitude. Have a back up plan to leave if he starts getting aggressive. I am reading all these comments and the spouses on here sound abusive. My marriage is not doing that well in terms of my husband being miserable and angry a lot. But I will fight back after a while. I don’t think we as a spouse that gives and gives should take this abuse. I understand what the blog author is saying. To hang in there. But sometimes we marry people who don’t want to change and being a committed partner is about growing and changing with your spouse. A lot of spouses are very selfish and incapable of change. That does not mean you stay. It means you put in 110% and after a long time you know in your heart this will never change. It is time to move on.
I reading all this comment n i go thru the same my husband gets angry very easy i cant have a conversatio with him bcause if he dont agree he start yelling at me or get mad bcause i dont have same opinion my kids are big my youngest is 18 n she is very depress bcause of the way he is when he is at work we happy when he gets home everybody goes to their room to avoid him.i dont know what to do anymore
Wow, u just dont know how helpful that was to me, and i think about the same decisions of leaving my wife because of her attitude, and thinking i will be more happier, but at the same time i don’t want to, and after reading this just gave me motivation to work on our relationship.
Wow that helped me and my marriage thanks so much
I lived 10 years with ‘misery’. It effected me but at the same time I don’t think I ever lost my own positive attitude. I just felt frustrated that he was blocking my every attempt to move forward with projects. Finally the day came when he pushed a door into our 6 year old son deliberately and made him cry. I walked out that day and never looked back. His attitude is still negative and self centred – I’m so glad I left. It’s interesting you make it sound like a ‘broken marriage’ is the worst thing in the world. My son is far happier now. Even though he spends a few nights a week with his Father, it is understood that I will not tolerate any abuse. Our home is now a peaceful zone where we can completely relax instead of living on egg shells and he is a much happier child. I never want to marry again.
Thanks for this perspective but it is also true. Too often Christians stay in bad marriages for the wrong reasons. You made the right choice for you and your family and know God will honor that and bring you true love.
I liked what you had to say and it did help. My husband is angry a lot. My late husband wasn’t like this. I have 2 grown children and I swear he hates them. He says he doesn’t but you can tell. My son lives with us and my daughter moved out. My son tries to help out around the house but nothing he does is good enough. Whatever I do or say is always wrong. He is a perfectionist. I can’t buy anything other than groceries. If I buy anything for our house he gets mad at me for spending money.Everything has to be his way and he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad guy. He says I say things that I don’t say. He doesn’t want me to talk to anyone about what goes on in our house. His late wife never wanted anything. She was perfect with him now I’m the second wife from hell. What do I do?
How can I do this? I have prayed daily, for our marriage, for him, for our children and for god to give me the strength I need to get through this. I always go out of my way to make my husband happy and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough, I’m always the bad guy, I’m either not a good wife or a bad mother. I feel like I’m going very crazy, I don’t know what else to do. Please help me out. 😢
Have you tried reading the Love Language book? You are your husband should both take the test to see what your love language is and then show each other love through your love language. Also, it is a good idea to get an accountability couple that would help you through difficult times. It could be friends, but make sure their marriage is stable and family is a no no! I have a blog called sweetened marriage that talks about the love languages. Check it out!
Thank you for writing your story I’m newly married to a vet with ptsd, when we started dating things were great after we got married and moved in we found that the ptsd,was worse then we ever expected. Tonight I couldn’t sleep and came across your story. It’s also my story word for word. No matter how good of a wife I try to be it’s never good enough. I also have 2 little girls, we all walk on eggshells trying not to trigger a negative response. I have been contiplating if staying is worth it. This was supposed to be the marriage that tought my girls how a husbsnd was to treat their wife. After reading your story I know only I can make myself and my girls happy so I choose happiness, and hope he follows and one-day realizes how much we love him.
I love that you’re choosing happiness! It is hard at first to be happy when you’re so accustomed to reacting to his moods. You can do it! I thought of every day as a test…could I control myself and my moods even when his are out of control? Everyday I passed the test was awesome. But don’t beat yourself up on the days it doesn’t go so well. Just like everything else, the more practice you get the better you are! God still tests me regularly. 🙂 But my husband does know now I won’t cater to his moods. He can change his attitude much faster now from crabby to happy. Just know that it may take some time and your husband may need some professional help for the PTSD. I’m praying for you!
Same here! It doesn’t matter to him how hard I work! And now that I’m seeing things clearer I don’t think I can make him happy. He has to do that for himself! And knowing that now has somehow kinda lifted the weight off my shoulders. I think it’s best I keep my distance from now on!
Thank u
You inspired me to find my happiness. AND THANK GOD FOR STRONG PEOPLE LIKE YOU .
Thank you so much for this. You just saved my marriage.
Are you guys still good, was it all worth it?
Yes! It’s been 9 years and we are still happy!
Hi this article brought me to tears.I am so done with my husband .I have ask him to show me love hug me kiss me respect me.when he speaks to me to do it on none rude way ,but over and over again he remains the same. We can’t even take a road trip and him be in a good mood if a car skips him in traffic his mode suffers and so do we the whole entire day. When he gets angry he talks down to me saying I have low self-esteem I think I’m all that I will never do better than him
I am so sorry to hear this Bibi. I can tell you that while my husband is still negative and easily thrown into a bad mood, the length of the bad moods has lessened significantly and that is movement in the right direction. What has helped is his finding some outlets for his negative emotions, going to the gym and participating in a mens group also he has a counselor. For me I try and often fail to not take his moods personally and to not let them get me n a bad mood also. The advice in this article is spot on. Like your husband he speaks down to me criticizing me and trying to make me feel small when I know that it isnt true. We have to stay connected to God and know that how Gods sees is what counts no matter what our spouses say.
Thank you so much for this. My husband too is never happy, he says he is but he finds everything wrong with everyone. I feel like I’ve exhausted myself trying to make him happy, and it’s at the expense of my happiness. I love him with all my heart, but it’s hard. I try to voice my opinion and needs and am met with the response that he’s done everything for me and I will never find someone that loves me like him. I’m tired of being second best, second thought to him. He’s always looking to fill every void he has with money and nice things. I wish he was happy, but my happiness matters too.
Makes me so sad this is my husband. He finds fault in everything I do. I’m just thinking he is never going to accept me and be happy with me again. It is so exausting! I don’t want to separate and this gives me hope because you were able to change! I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been to be with someone so difficult. when I hear something negative from my husband it really affects me now where as before I could emotionally keep my distance. I get anxious and want to explain everything to him so we could understand each other and not fight, but we end up fighting anyway and I just feel worse. I’m so glad I read this article and I hope I can be as strong as you!
This was a good read, and I appreciate your story so much. I love my wife so much, but she’s making my life so miserable. I know that traveling a lot because of my job is tough for her, but it’s such a blessing in my opinion. We’ve gotten to live in Japan, America, and now Germany. Instead of focusing on all of the amazing positives of each move, it’s constantly on the negatives. Recently it’s gotten to the point to where we can’t talk without her yelling at me. If I have an opinion on anything, she gets mad. If I agree with her, she says I’m being sarcastic and don’t care. I literally can’t win. The only time we get along is when she’s shopping, and I’m sitting bored out of my mind outside of the changing rooms, or if we’re watching TV, not talking. I’m so much happier when she’s out of the house, and I almost dread her coming home from work because I know she’ll just tell me about how horrible her day was. I don’t know what to do. She’s just so negative and angry all of the time. I’ll try your method, and I honestly hope it works. It’s much easier said than done, but I will try my best to focus on the positives.
This is so much my husband. My first husband passed away after 38 years of marriage and I married my current husband fairly soon. I did not know the severity of his negativity and anger issues at the time. Everything with him is a always dread and grumbling. He even admits he doesn’t really know happiness. I have to be careful of what I say or it could turn into an argument. For this reason I don’t share much with him. I do most activities by myself and go to family functions by myself. He wants nothing to do with my children either. He has a son and has a bad past with him so there is no communication there either. He tells me he loves me constantly but his attitude is sucking the life out of me and making me misserable. I’m trying to look at his good points and he does have some but his constant grumbling has forced me to evaluate my future with him. I am a Christian and believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage by and have been giving it my best with God’s help. I find I’d rather spend time by myself then with him and it’s not supposed to be this way. I’m gonna give it all I got over the next few months and then if there is no change I will make my decision.
Your husband is an abuser. When you stated that he wanted to upset you by leaving says that he wanted to hurt you. That’s a classical abuser symptom. I do not by any means want to discredit you me new found happiness, but beware. Abuse is a cycle. The buildup-eruption-honeymoon phase. These phases last for different intervals. Be cautious.
Thank you for your opinion and your concern. You’ll be happy to know this happened 9 years ago and we are still happy! I agree that abuse happens in cycles, but sometimes what people want to classify abuse is really just one person hurting and lashing out verbally because they don’t know how to deal with their pain. I do believe God intervened in our marriage and helped change both of our hearts and for that I am eternally grateful!
When you chose happiness each day, did it ever feel fake? After years of negativity from my husband, I feel like I have changed and my attitude has gotten poorer. When I notice that happening and try to be positive and happy, it sometimes feels like I’m having to try too hard and it’s not real.
Yes sometimes it did feel fake. But in reality happiness is a choice. So the days I wasn’t feeling particularly happy I still did the things I did on days that I was happy. Eventually feelings follow actions. Just keep doing what you can that makes you happy, even if it only improves your mood a little bit. A little bit is better than nothing. If you haven’t yet, read my post “10 steps to happiness” it spells out exactly what I did to be happy everyday.
Thank you!
I do not have a horrible marriage, but it lacks positive communication, friendship, and enjoyment. I have recently told my husband that I am unhappy and he has not tried to do anything to pursue a change. He cannot get past the fact that I am to blame for my own unhappiness. He is very critical of me , has a negative attitude that he calls “reality”, he is quickly angered when anyone doesn’t meet his standards. Anytime I try to talk to him, even “what are you doing” , he gets defensive and acts as though I am invading his space. I wish I would just distance myself be independent and find happiness in just being me without the need for him to fulfill any voids. I had a great “me time” hobby, but we relocated to an area that doesn’t have the same opportunities, so I am very lonely. I know he has potential to be a great husband and father as he had in the past.
I have been in this exact same situation for 10 years now. My husband tells me I am responsible for my own happiness, but, just the basics of a healthy relationship are not there. We have tried therapy 3 times, but, I feel he truly thinks he does no wrong and thusly does not make any changes.
I believe that a spouse IS partially responsible for the others’ happiness. You have to have at least the basic respect and companionship for each other. When one chooses not to, to say he/she is not to blame is not reality.
In my case divorce will likely happen, but, I’ve decided it will be when and how I want to happen.
Hi. I am very happy that finally you have wonderful life and happy family and I should salute to you. I am also going through the same condition but its not me but its my wife. We got married two years ago. Actually, she had a boyfriend but he broke her with unexpected reason and she proposed me to marry me. She was one of my friend and I love her very much, it was like one sided love, I am a gentle guy who always like to tell truth, never want to betray anyone. I was a capable person and also had small business. After she proposed me to marry me first I said I need some time to give decision and later one after some weeks I told her I will marry you but I will have to apply for study visa in United States and she said OK. We planned to marry after my visa and we did too. Right now I am here in United States studying and doing hard work and she is also here with me and she is also working hard. I know my wife use to get angry very fast with anything but now the limit is going higher and higher. I work in another place and she works in another place we usually see each other in the morning and in the evening and in off days. I do whatever she wants cleaning, cooking, dish etc. but she never appreciate me. If she gave me to cut a fruits and I cut it according to me then she gets angry how you cut it? Don’t you know how to cut? If I cut bit small then she complains and if I cut bit big then she complains and complain me I cut that way because she is eating. If I put one thing from one place to other place or even if I make change in small distance of those things then she complains and angry with me. By birth I am left handed and I do whatever the things I need to do by my left hand but she always complains that because you are doing with your left hand that is why you are making mistake or wrong. I know our financial condition is little poor but I never ask money for her. I pay for my house rent, school fees, my personal expenses and she is doing only household expenses which is very less in comparison with mine but I don’t care, that’s her because she did hard work for that. I want to treat her like princess and never want to make her angry and always follows whatever she say but still she is getting angry. I never beat her or slap her but she uses everything she can to me. I can not do so because I love her very much. She chat with her sisters, male friends and many other friends but I use to say nothing cause but if I chat with some girls my school friends or someone friend then I have to give answer because of that I have lose all of my female friends and never talk with them. If I keep smiling then she says why are you smiling like dog, I keep silence then she says why are you angry with me and making like ball face. I am doing full time job and doing classes in evening. I am trying to get better score but sometime I get A, B or C but she never appreciate that and complain I am doing everything but you are not studying. If I work less and continue to study then she complain that with that money you earn what can you do and always force me to do more hours of work but if I do full hours work then it is very hard to get good points. I am trying to do my best from my side but I don’t have any support. I don’t have parents no mom no dad all of them passed away and I have sister back in my country but she is married, she has everyone father, mother, sisters and everyone. When she is angry she always complain to my parents and she always speak bad words to my parents but still I am ok with it and never speak a single words on behalf of her parents. Last time because of my anger I broke my expensive cell phone but I am regret that why I did that. I always try to stay calm but sometime limit gets higher. I don’t have any affairs with any girls outside but once I found her chatting in facebook with her co-worker and he was asking for sex but she went lying me but meanwhile I come home and get her back and saved her. Later on she said I regret I went there and said sorry too but this thing eating my brain too. I blocked him from everywhere facebook and phone everything but she is working in the same place. She always complains about other co-worker she did that he did this, customer said that etc and etc. But I always take her side if I took other’s side then she gets mad at me saying you are also of category. I know life is very hard in America so I wanted to teach her how to live and what to say and do in certain condition but she never listen to me and complain “Don’t try to be smart” but later on she ask the same thing for me and I teach and answer her in good way. She repeats her saying multiple times but if I repeat same thing for second time she gets mad at me saying “Don’t repeat things cause I don’t like it”. I am fine whatever she says but every time I feel like I am walking on eggshell. I going depressed day by day with her attitude. When she gets angry she use to say leave me I will marry other person I’m not happy with you but I keep silence and after some hours she gets cool. I don’t want to lose her and want to give whatever happiness she wants in her life. But how this can be possible with such attitude. I always talk positive about other people but if I say some positive thing about other in front of then she complain that why you always talk positive about other don’t be so. I’m in problem. Now I have also started to think negative but I stop myself in many ways. I have no one to share my thing there are lots of things inside me to share but I am alone from every corner. Sometime I feel to do suicide I love her more then myself and don’t let her to be alone in this world but I don’t know where my life is going on.
I’m sorry. I was in the same situation as you are right now. Run before you get stuck forever, if or when you have a kid with this monster. My husband treated me like that or worse. Mentally, verbally and physically abusive. From what you wrote and from my experiences what love means, I don’t think she loves you… she’s an unhappy mother fk… make me think my for sure husband also never loved me… 🙁 Only now that we have a kid, he changed for better. But he still an ass and everytime he treats me bad, I have a PSD, and I want to run alway from this relationship. I should’ve follow my instincts and ran from this crap, the first time he treated me bad. I became bitter and unhappy and I didn’t know genuinely BAD people before I met him, and his crazy mother. Now I’m poisoned and broken… sometimes I scream out of my lungs and cry out my eyes… I wish I have never met him, except because my beautiful baby son. Sicko Russian people…
Interesting that you said “Sicko Russian people.”
My husband is Russian, and does the exact same things you described about your husband. He mentally, verbally and physically abuses me. He tells me all the problems in is life are my fault. There’s nothing I can do that’s right — even though I sincerely try so hard every single day to make his life easier and make him happy.
He never apologizes when he treats me horribly. Sometimes he will mumble an insincere “sorry” under his breath when I ask him if I deserve to be treated this way. But he never truly apologizes. He broke my foot with his physical violence, he slammed my head against the floor, he has broken so many household items by throwing them.
Also, his mother poisons his mind against me. She questions him about why I do things a certain way, and it makes him think I am wrong about everything.
I know not all Russian men are this way, but it is interesting that we are both suffering with Russian husbands.
Honestly I’m happy for your success and hard work in your marriage. I am facing similar issues, my husband is very cold and moody towards me and our young son. He always turns down offers to go out with us and I find myself on almost all occasions alone with my son, surrounded by other families that are together. He’d rather watch some show, sports or talk to friends and go play with them. He never gives me alone time or break from our son. Honestly I’m so heartbroken about everything and I find myself sleeping in front of the tv most nights and he just says he’s going to bed and sleeps so easily. I’m up all night just disturbed and crying. I would pray but my faith is gone and I want it to come back like it was before but it’s just dead. My heart is really broken.
Your faith is not dead!
It is the result of the suffering you are going through.
It happens a lot to people who have to deal with abuse. Be it emotional, verbal, enduring someone’s negativity…anything that’s been going on for a while. Anything that is sucking the life out of you.
But it means you need healing!!!
I have a 19 year old daughter who is like the way you explained your husband. No matter what her husband does he is always wrong she knows everything she never takes blame for anything its always someone else. He is in the military so they have moved from Florida to Ga and she has had a hard time adjusting to that but no matter if she is here or there her attitude is always there. She has had evaluations she sees a Psychiatrist for her ADHD so she is only on one med and half the time she dosent take it. She does things in the moment and dosent think of who it hurts or what the consequence will be from doing it. No matter what unless its about her or for her she is not happy and everyone around has to pay with her attitude. I would like to say yes that is just a teenager she still has to grow but no because my mother acts the same way and we dont speak at all. She is selfish, disrespectful, rude in front of his military people and has no respect. If you have any ideas please help we are looking into therapy to see if that will help but I am at the point I dont even want her to visit because me and my husband her father dont want the drama and there is drama every time she comes. If you try to talk to her about her behavior she gets mad and just says ya whatever I have never in my life seen someone that is so mean and rude and disrespectful to people that are doing nothing and have dedicated their life to try to help her. I mean tons of money to try and get her help its just crazy I love her she is my only child but I refuse to let her come to my home and disrespect me and her father.
I am a newlywed, just celebrated our 1 year annivesary. My spouse works in HR and is always stressed out. I often find myself on the receiving end of frustration and anger over little things. I try my best to do what I can to make sure I do not anger them but I still get yelled at or snapped at. Sometimes my spouse will wake up in the middle of the night to work on the computer. When i wake up heres the yelling and attitude again and I have no idea what the problem is because I have been asleep. This exact situation just happened and I am beginning to become depressed. I love my spouse but it is hard to understand what I can do to make this stop. Please help me
Teena, I’m so sorry your marriage is so unhappy while it’s so new. It sounds like your husband is upset about things that have nothing to do with you but is taking it out on you. I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells around your husband trying not to set them off. It’s no way to live! You’ve got to concentrate on making yourself happy (while honoring your marriage) and not tiptoeing around your husband so he doesn’t get upset. Have you read my article “10 steps to happiness”? If not go search my site and read it. I’ve written the exact steps I took to be happy and stay happy. It is a minute by minute job and decision to be happy. If you’d like some individualized mentoring please follow the link on my site or contact me and we can set up an appointment. There is hope though, don’t give up! I’ll keep you both in my prayer.
Wow. The original story and all the comments from individual people have been most overwhelming and also sad to read. It’s sad because so many of us are living in unhappy and very unhealthy homes and marriages. I wish there was an easy fix, but I feel as though much of this commentary is helpful. I too believe that happiness is a state of mind that you must just tell yourself you’re in. In the end, I believe that we are on this earth to deal with struggles. Some of our struggles maybe sickness, war, loss, or other hardships beyond our worst imagination. In the end, it is how we deal with them and rise above them that brings us onto our next phase of life. That phase might be heaven in the afterlife or whatever your faith encourages you to believe in.
My father passed away at a very young age. He was a joyful, loving, amazing human being. My mother was cruel, mean, always in a bad mood, always putting him down et. I fully believe that he died so young because he was so unhappy. I watched him slowly fade year after year. It was almost “murdering his soul.” Can one person have this much power over another? Perhaps. I do believe that the comment about this being “abuse” is true – especially if it continues. I just wish my father was still here. In my heart I believe he may have been here if he wasn’t in such an unhappy marriage/home. No matter what he did – it wasn’t enough.
I just don’t want to end up like him. Dying young because you can’t seem to get away from the negative energy. I try to always tell my husband this. Sometimes it works for a short time. Usually, it goes right back to the “bad.” I’m hopeful that something will eventually happen to turn things around. Until then, please keep posting. Your stories are helpful. Your honestly is appreciated.
Prayers and positivity sent to all, always.
Thank you Christmas, I truly appreciate the encouragement. I too find it sad that so many people are living in an unhappy marriage. I’m committed to helping as many people as I can improve their marriage and be happy. I hope that my articles encourage people to not give up hope and to keep searching until they find a way to make their marriage happy. It is possible and it’s amazing how many people you can help once your have a strong and happy marriage. It takes constant work, but anything worth having takes work. Much love and happiness to you!
My husband and I have been married for 33 years. It has never been easy, but, we do love each other. He deals with depression, and that has added much difficulty. He started medication about 15 years ago that was a game changer. His moods were so much better. But, that medicine stopped working about 3 years ago. I broached the subject only when I felt it was somewhat safe to talk about it, but, he didn’t think it was true. He thought, and continued to think that the problem was me. That his anger and unhappiness was all due to how I acted. That I was unhappy, discontent, unloving, disrespectful……….and on and on. I walked on eggshells while he continued to boil and blow. I prayed, I cried, and confided in a very good friend. By this point neither of us even knew who I was because I never felt free to be myself. He accused me of withholding myself from him, sexually and emotionally, saying I didn’t love him. Truth was, I did hold back, but, it was because I feared constantly of saying or doing anything that he would take the wrong way. Then he would get mad, blow up and either not speak at all to me for days, or worse, berate me for days of how awful I was. Things got so bad a few months ago that he wasn’t coming home many nights, and told me “he was done”. I continued to tell him that I loved him, but, that I wanted us to get help. Finally, after much prayer, he did talk to the dr and tried another medication that is helping a great deal. Things are much better. But, his underlying issues are still there always looking to rear their ugly head. I’ve truly been happy and content. But, he just started in last night about me not being happy. “That I don’t act happy”. This really blind sided me, because I really have been happy. I know that he projects his feeling into me. He always has. He has told me for years that I’m unhappy, depressed, critical, judgmental……. This is such a struggle for me. No matter how many times I tell him that I don’t feel that way, he just says,”well, actions speak louder than words”, “that’s how it looks”, “that’s how it comes across”. He cannot see that instead of dealing with his own feelings, that he is putting them on me. It makes me crazy!!
It’s great that you and your husband were able to resolve your problems! I can identify with a lot of what you went through. Sometimes it seems like my husband is determined to be unhappy. I have found myself rushing to clean up a mess one of my kids made before he sees it because I know it will set him off. Then i get angry at myself for reacting like a child who doesn’t want daddy to get mad! Pouting, complaining, silent treatment, yelling. I’m so tired of all of it. I’m curious to know if being happy in spite of your husband’s anger and unhappiness meant that you let him know you empathized and cared about how he felt but could not take responsibility for his unhappiness or did you just kind of ignore him when he acted like he did. I am pretty sure that if I seem happy when he’s not he will be saying I don’t care about him. I was wondering how to handle that ! Thank you!
Yes Kris this was a huge issue for us! When I started being happy despite his attitude it actually made him behave worse. He did everything he could to push my buttons and try to get me upset because that was what he was use to. It went on for 8 months! It was very difficult but I tried to explain to him that I did care about what was happening with him, I just wasn’t going to get upset about it. If he came home in a bad mood, which was often, I’d say “looks like you had a bad night is everything ok?” he would usually try to say it was something I had done. (it wasn’t) I would then just say I’m sorry you’re upset, the kids and I are going out I hope you feel better. I would then leave with the kids and find something to do. It was very hard and I know he felt like I didn’t care, but the truth is fighting and getting upset doesn’t help either. The best thing you can do is be a person he would want to be with if he was happy.
I also did genuinely care and felt bad that my husband was upset. It doesn’t feel good to constantly be angry. I had to change my perspective and not take it personally. It had nothing to do with me. So I did have compassion but not angry compassion. I said I was sorry he felt that way but didn’t run around trying to fix everything. Running around trying to fix things didn’t work anyway, it just made both of us miserable.
So the short answer to your question is yes he may feel like you don’t care, but that’s not the truth. In time he will see that you do if you genuinely do. The alternative is two miserable people. If you stop the cycle first, it may take him awhile but he will eventually want to know what is happening with you. You can share with him your desire to be happy and help him to get there too.
I also decided that even if my husband never changed it didn’t matter. I would love him anyway and continue to be happy. I had to figure out what I needed to do to keep myself happy daily and that’s what I did for 8 months. I’m glad he finally did change, but even if he didn’t I know I would still be happy because my happiness doesn’t depend on him.
Hi I’m going thru same but worst he controls me to much his selfish I been with him for 12 years and nothing has changed his the miserable person in this relationship but I noticed a year from now I can let him talk to me how he wants but nothing makes him happy one moment his lovable then he treats me like crap calls me out of my name there’s is time I want to leave n did it n he goes get me and I’m weak I really want to leave because I want happiness n peace I’m 27 with a 10 and 2 from him I need help
I can relate so much with this article. I try to make my husband happy and try to fix everything. I have recently realized I can’t fix everything and I know the importance of choosing joy and happiness and I pray all the time. My husband has softened towards me a great deal however, we have 3 teenagers and he is very negative towards them. I worry about the effects on them. It is apparent that it affects their relationship. I find myself trying to be a buffer and protect them from his harsh criticism and anger at times. It is hard to talk to him about it because in his mind, his anger and annoyance is justified. I don’t know what to do.
Wow this is amazing. Thank you for giving me the strength to continue x
I am happy for you sticking this out..but I feel I can’t. I am. Very positive person helping people..the community..homeless..etc..I left all that my friends..family..for what. He doesn’t like me taking to anyone looking at anyone. I can’t even say how I feel when he hurts my feelings constantly. I wake up in the morning tell myself this is a new day. It’ll Be Better..And Guess What..It’s Not..I Get Yelled At Cussed At. I swear a beating would be better than this. I know my worth and I don’t deserve this. I motivate others..al the time but at this point I can’t even motivate myself. He goes to work calls me..and it’s more than evident he’s happier there. I am 10 years younger than him..and I’m beginning to think my career success and me being younger aggravates him. I feel as though he hates me..as though I am nothing but a pest. He walks in the house starts yelling complaining..I wonder why vome at all of you don’t want to be here? I’ll Be Married 3 Years This Friday Coming Up..And Its Been He’ll. I’m Tired. Mentally emotionally drained. I cook clean..give him everything he asks of me and more..and I just get cussed out constantly..if he calls and his cell phone breaks up..I get sworn at. If I ask him how was his day and I didn’t ask appropriately, meaning right tone of voice or if in sound like I’m prying I get yelled at. I pray too..a lot..crying at night asking for resolution..whether it be me or him. And it’s worthless..cause this marriage from he’ll isn’t meant to be. I don’t have kids with him, thank God! But in all honesty abuse is abuse..and I know what he’s doing to me is an emotional abuse. So I have to leave it..How can a person tell you they love you one day and then the next day cuss you out and you are left wondering what just happened. I find myself sad, withdrawn crying moody now cause of all this. I’m Glad I Read The Comments..Somehow I Felt Alone In This..But I Guess I’m Not. God bless..keep it real and run! Get on with your life. It’s gonna be hard and painful but can be done. I’m In The Process..
I hear you my friend, I’m going thru the same exact thing. To make matters worse he is bipolar, been married 4 yrs. I’m ten yrs. older than him I’m at the end of my rope. Time to move on. Life’s too short to be miserable!
I have been married for 18 years and still going on. Husband gets angry about any thing, but I am at a stage where I don’t bother about it much. Or I can say I have shut myself out from reacting to his anger. But I can tell that I have spent most of my 20 ‘s and 30’s on how to deal with him. How to stay happy, how to not react to his anger , how to stay positive and how to love myself. At the end I realized that I am always fighting negative . Because of his low maturity and in ability to see beyond the moment , his low emotional intelligence , I have decided to stay at home. That’s the worst decision I have made for I have worked hard to finish my MS and had a passion for science . If I had stayed focussed on my positive life , I definitely would have made better out of myself. Of course ,I spend most of time reading WSJ,Barrons and research on stock market. I made good investments of his income and he could retire early. Before that, he had lots of debt on margin accounts and lost all of money . He stays away from investments now and I take care of it.
Over the years ,I have become more spiritual (of course, nothing to do with any name or form of God) , and probably stronger.
But yet , I still wake up with listening to his irritation or he murmuring things of how his life is miserable , or how kids are not respectful, and how they don’t work hard……at 5.30 am.
And I on the other hand , put some tea for both of us , brush teeth and I sit outside for few minutes to feel the fresh air and listen to tweets of birds.
He is good provider , loves his kids and put his life over us. I also feel sorry him too.
IMHO , they don’t change that easily . If you are willing to stay put, don’t budge in. Do not give up your passion or career for him. Stay strong. Or else leave.
It takes very little for me to be happy. I don’t expect things in return much. I have always been like that. It worked out okay for me,,but definitely not great. There are times that I wished that I just drop dead . );
Is it worth it? For me , it’s an experience of life.
I don’t know what to do any more my husband act like he’s not happy with me, he find any and everything to fight with me about and then say it’s me, and how I’m Annoying when hes the one walking around with the attitude all day everyday me and my kids have to walk on eggshells around him, and I’m getting so Set up with the bullshit what can I do? Anyone please.
My husband is bipolar suffers from anxiety, seizures, recently diagnosed with lupus & fibromyalgia. A simple question or answer can trigger his “horrible” mood swings anytime anyplace, we’ve been married 4 yrs.I can’t take it anymore.. It’s time for me too move on life’s too short to be miserable!
You go girl!!! I’m with you all the way. Life if too short and I’d rather be alone. It’s quite enjoyable.
My husband seems to find making everyone else happy except for me easier for him. He’ll only go out of his way to make me happy when he see that I’m said or i seclude myself. He has female co workers, who he often talks about, and recently he doesn’t want me to see his phone. We just got married back in September, but have been together for 11 plus years. I don’t know if he is outgrowing being with me, but he often makes sarcastic comments. Like, “We Love our children more than we love each other.” Or, “There’s plenty of women that would want to be with me!” And that always have me thinking otherwise, although he always try to say he’s not cheating on me. However, he is one of those joking kind of guy that say stuff, and you never know of he’s actually joking or telling the truth. I’ve been praying and also asking him questions, and all he ever says, is that I’m acting like I’m in high school with my questions, or that I act as if I wasn’t ready to be married. I”be been on their verge of telling him that maybe we should divorce, and die him to go find someone that will make him happy since I seem as though I’m not making him happy. However, I don’t want to bring a divorce in to break up our family. We have two children, 5 and 1, and I couldn’t bear the the thought of another woman being around them if he was to move on. ( I don’t plan on being with anyone else if we divorce) I want my marriage to work, but I’m so heart broken over if he is doing something behind my back, or him hurting me emotionally by trying to leave.
I am right with all you ladies. My husband seems to get miserable by the month. I have a daughter from previous relationship and i feel like he has recently been taking anger out on her and i am in the middle. I told him last week he will lose if i have to choose between them. I am a Christian and he is too but struggles with internal issues and i am ar the point i am gonna to tell him to move out. I feel like i am not strong enough and i dont want to be a target for his anger anymore.
Wow, this hit me right between the eyes. It is parallel to my universe. Constant anger, yelling, eggshells, the whole bit. Fourteen years with my husband and I am absolutely miserable. When will the negativity end? I have ALWAYS been a positive force, but the joy of living is sucked right out of me daily, methodically, consistently. I could cry every night for the way I am treated.
I lost my job almost two years ago and I’ve been doing odd jobs since. It’s not enough. I’m not making enough money according to him. Then my young adult daughter (from a former relationship) falls pregnant. I’m blamed for that although she moved out on her own because of him. Long story. Anyway, my first grandchild is born. DH is intensely jealous of me spending any time with my DD and sweet baby granddaughter. Yells at me that something wasn’t vacuumed or pets not fed before he gets home at 4:30 because I’ve spent too much time with family. He watches me on surveillance during the day while he’s at work and constantly texts me. It is insanity. Oh, but he sees a therapist to work on our issues.
I feel like the therapist has turned my spouse against me even more by degrading me and advising on parental issues when she has no expertise in that area. The results have been abusive and life threatening, rather than treating the borderline personality issues of her patient she fills their treatment sessions with negativity and hopelessness about my marriage and child. I’m not there to defend myself or child, but my DH frequently recites her words placing blame on me and/or my child. It is devastating, and it feels like the therapist is playing with our lives. If my relationship does not survive, I am seeking legal counsel with experience on spousal abuse encouraged by a professional mental health provider because i am fairly certain that my adult child and i will need professional mental health care the rest of our lives. The damages are beyond comprehension, inexcusable. The mental anguish we have suffered is irreversible.
I am going to try the positive outlook one more time. If I can just keep saying that his negative attitude is his own, I will be well on the way to recovery.
I live with a man who thinks it is acceptable to come through the door every single night and bring all his work worries to the dinner table. Every single night. For 6 years. He is very very stressed but deals with it so badly. I am his target. He has a dreadful temper. Throws things. Blows up at ANY comment I make. On the rare occasions he’s not in a bad mood, I walk on eggshells. I recognise this as ABUSE. Sometimes he’s OK for a few weeks, then BAM, back living with his evil twin. What is it with men? The only positive is I have become so strong. Learning to be positive. He is so negative so I do the opposite! Tiny things make my heart sing. Birds in the garden. A lovely cappuccino. Classical music. Realistically knowing he will never change. But I can. I will always remain happy go lucky. He will not grind me down and I will never be like him. I have risen to his anger on a couple of occasions and regretted the consequences, his parents and children from a former marriage don’t know him at all because he shows them his other side, when I’ve tried to explain to them what he’s like they take his side and contact me to say they don’t believe me!!!!. I don’t work so he’s in control of all the money. I dread him coming through that door. When I cooked lovely lemon roasted halibut loins last night they were “too wet”. When he’s in that mood I go out. Anywhere to avoid him. My family don’t know just how much I put up with. Sounds like I’m really miserable doesn’t it??!! Luckily he works away a lot so then I’m at peace. He’s away 60 % of the time so that’s how I survived him so long I think. He has smashed up hotel rooms, punched himself in the face whilst driving, kicked holes in doors, thrown my vases out of the window and worse. Things I can never forgive. The universe will be kind to me I know. Life is so short. I know we’re not alone. But living with Jekyl and Hyde is really tough. Leaving is an option but I’d have to live with my parents and why would I want to spoil their life. I live in hope. I have strength I didn’t know I possessed. Good luck ladies. Stay positive. Stay peaceful and do what’s right for you.
Hey Poppy,
I just left a 30 year relationship (marriage) like yours and I live in a 3000 sq ft home, alone, that is mine!!!
If you feel threatened or that you may be in danger you need to not worry about where you end up. You should leave if that’s what you want! I am always willing to help anyone in an abusive situation!!!
I have spent the last 2and a half years completely by myself to heal from so many years of abuse.
This is the first time I have reached out to people in the same situation. I’m ready to start meeting people who are positive but understand negative abuse.
Contact me if you want to. 💕
Lin
Gosh this is all so familiar. I am currently staying at my daughters house with my grandson while his mum is on honeymoon. The fact is I don’t want to take him home to my miserable husband who managed to sulk most of the day of the wedding and then fell out with me when we got back to the hotel afterwards. This was the last straw in 5 years of him sulking. Trouble is I’m never sure what sets him off, it seems to be whenever he isn’t the centre of attention. I have finally given him an ultimatum, make an appointment for us to see a counsellor by the end of the week or move out. I’ll keep you posted.
I see a lot of people talking about their husband. I’m having the same problem with my wife. I’ve changed so much within the past 2 years. I’ve gotten closer to god but it seems like she’s getting further away. I am a pretty deep person and like to have a intellectual conversation sometimes. I have no problem talking about my feelings I think it’s a sign of maturity. But she’s prideful and stubborn with a attitude. It’s really have for me to just act as if I’m fine. I’ve never let anyone treat me the way she does but I am a firm believer in god and I know he says to stick it out. I put her and our children before me, but I can’t help but feel sad sometimes because she prioritize everything else over me. I recently asked her to change her attitude and don’t get so mad and she said “ well don’t make me mad and I won’t have a attitude “ I was blown away !
I am in the same boat , my wife suffers from anxiety and depression, signs of being bipolar. I been married to her for 14 years we have beautiful children together but for the past 2 years it’s been miserable with her she is very negative , barely shows affection towards me barely ever wants to be intimate. She puts me down makes me feel like I am not good enough. I work long days and when I get home I help around the house and always do things for her but lately i am at the point of what is.the point she doesn’t respect me like i respect her , I always been a happy positive guy and lately I feel like I am being abused . Part of me feels like she is cheating on me because of her actions towards me , I express my feelings to her and she will say she Loves me and that she isn’t cheating but she never wants to show affection towards me to the point I feel like is there something wrong with me? I’m at my wits end and part of me wants to leave and move on but I keep putting up with it praying things will.get better but a big part of me feels like I have Sucker written on my head . I don’t know what else to do. Lately I feel like life is to short to be miserable. I know she has a sickness and underneath that sickness is the girl I fell in love with but it’s at the point where I don’t know if it’s the sickness talking or really her , I have a question mark always on the back of my head. The latest thing is she said she wants desperate beds because it’s hard for her to sleep at night with me which to me is crazy, I never thought I would get married and be apart from my wife something I don’t want , I like knowing I am next to her to protect her but now I feel like she doesn’t want me near her so I am at the point of just moving on and finding someone that wants to be loved the same way
G,
I know that feeling intimately!!!!
It’s devastating and heartbreaking!!!!
I felt the same from my husband for too long!
I felt I was just a burden. That’s the most horrible feeling when you are with someone you thought loved and respected you as much as you did them.
I’m legally separated now but I am just by myself.
I honestly cannot comprehend it.
Lin
Hi my name is Charles first off I would like to say is that I love my wife and that it’s been 20 years we been together and every year maybe 8 times a month we have so sort of argument which makes me feel as a man I fighting for something that doesn’t want me anymore I spent lots of my time hurt by the way she acts towards me and I just can’t fight it anymore nothing I ever do is good enough nothing it’s not that I don’t do for her but it feels like my love she is rejecting something you can’t buy in stores I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like is this my life
I truly hope you all take the time to research projection, gaslighting and emotional/verbal abuse. I was in a similar situation with a boyfriend and sorry to say that even after counseling, things just continued to get worse, not better. I did not even realize this is what was going on until I distanced myself and did some research. Not saying that every case is the same, but some relationships just aren’t worth it. Practice self acceptance and anyone that does not enhance your life for the better just is not worth having around!
Kathy,
You are so correct in your statement!!!
I was manipulated, gaslighted and lied to for 15 years of my 30 year marriage.
I let him go simply because his actions showed me he wanted to be single and have his cake and eat it too.
I am done beating myself up for loving another human being 100%!!!
Okay, I realize I was duped but that has everything to do with him! Not me!
I can only change and control myself and my own life so I did and I am!!!
Lin
I have been in counceling for 3 years I first went to him with my family to do an intervention to save my addict brother, I remember the #1 thing that changed my life was also, u can’t control others you can only control yourself and how u react”. Its helped me a lot. But now, im trying to deal with my husbands negative attitude. I can’t ever get him to live in the moment and he’s got such a bad attitude. Not towards me at all. Towards his work, tv, his health ext. I just cant seem to understand what I should do to really tell him he acts this way, also by keeping control of myself
Unfortunately, I think spouses have the hardest time hearing things like this from each other. I would say the best thing you can do is NOT focus on his negativity. Find anything else positive about him and focus on that. Whatever you give your focus and attention to grows. When I was dealing with my husbands negativity the only positive thing I could think of was that he had nice hair. I would focus on that until my negative feelings stopped. (It actually made me laugh because focusing on his hair was pretty funny) I know for me when I was trying to be so positive, it made me realize how negative my husband was. I constantly had to redirect my mind to not focus on it. It sounds like you learned in counseling you can’t control him so I wouldn’t even try. Just focus on his positive qualities and be positive yourself. I know that’s way easier said than done but it does work.
I’ve been married about 3 years now but my wife and i have been together nearly 10 years. Even when we were dating i felt that she had an explosive attitude, we are always happy on our own and she can express her feelings in a healthy way but around other people, especially women she is on edge and easily triggered. I feel that she detests my family and always has something to say about them. Its a mission to get her to want to go visit them even though we scarcley ever do. I love her but she can be controlling, extremely jealous, easy to set off. She has thrown things and even punched me in the mouth as i was driving. It was during our first year of marriage. Shes calmed down a bit but its always the same thing, one day shes apologizing saying she wants to be better than the next its like nothing has changed same negative nancy. She doesnt like going out, being with my family, and has nevet once made me lunch for work. I make dinner help around the house, and am always willing to please her physcally and emotionally, all im asking is for her to return the favor. But she is always tired….
Danyboii,
You know, I am in the same exact situation as you, 30 years now and I’m done with it!!! I raised two daughters and was always the buffer from his raging anger about life in general.
I spent 30 years of my life trying to pull him into the light and instead I got pulled into his dark!!!
I don’t know how old you are but I’m a very young 59 year old woman who wants to live life happy and joyously!!!
Maybe we can talk.
I legally separated from my husband 2 years ago and have not even spoken to another man because I’ve stayed true to my marriage vows 100%(unlike him)
Hang in there and NEVER let another person steal your power or happiness!!!!
Lin
This is my life. My husband is a miserable person. The rest of the world thinks he is the greatest guy ever. He can hold it together for the world and then is miserable at home. He picks and chooses when he feels good and when he doesn’t and wants to check out. He withdraws and my 11 year old daughter and I walk on eggshells. He never wants to do anything with us, he works and comes home and watches tv and sleeps. If I try and talk with him about why he’s so miserable, how lonely I am, he blows up and turns it on me. He is sucking the life out of me. I love my husband but I am finding it hard to find reasons why. I often think if I could take my daughter and go and never see him again I would. But even though he’s miserable he would fight me and she would have to continue to endure him. So I stay. I don’t miss him when he’s at work or on a guy trip. It’s happy and relaxed at home. But the second he walks in we all are tense. Sex is nonexistent, but that is somehow my fault because I don’t initiate. It’s hard to want to be intimate with someone who is selfish (sexually too) and mean. I need to do thinks to make me happy. I need to find myself again.
I understand ❤️
Hello Sarah, I’m in the same situation. It starting to stress me out.
This hit me so hard I cried all the way through it. This is life everyday. Thank you for sharing. I will work on my happiness and learn to love myself and see what happens.
I’m praying for you all. It sucks to be with a miserable negative asshole narcissist! I love to know I’m not alone. I don’t like to tell my friends everything because I stay. 13 years and 1 year marriage….it’s so hard. Never gets easier. I’d have never married him ever but he got in a wreck and i was completely blinded by all the reality and negative things…he almost died and all I could remember were the good things. Now I sit here silently thinking horrible things about him because I stood by his side and fought for him literally only for him to survive and CONTINUE to make my life miserable HELL!!!! It sucks. I don’t understand what my life plans are..why this all happened. I don’t get it yet… I already dream about the next man ill meet that will adore me. I want to be loved for real..sick of the narcissistic relationship I’ve been trapped in for over a decade.
Thank you for posting this. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only person going through a certain situation but posts like this prove I’m not alone. Social media will lead you to believe that every one else has a perfect marriage and if yours is suffering it is because of something wrong that you’ve done. And maybe it is. I allow my husband’s negative attitude to impact me all the time. I internalize his negativity and it depresses me. But I want to choose to be happy. I won’t stop praying and I will focus on the good things about my husband. Thank you again.
This is my life you described. Please help me how to handle this anymore ? During this self focussed months , how do you handle sex ? He is selfish rude and arrogant but he initiates it ..I don’t feel like being intimate to him at all because of how he treats me in day time…so what should I do….if I turn him down…he will be even more mad and arrogant everyday and that would be fueling the fire and getting more distant ? Please help..I still want to save this marriage because of 2 daughters.
I hear ya , I am still with her , mainly for my kids sake , but I been mainly focusing on myself and doing my thing , I don’t allow myself to be her punching bag anymore, by me walking away and doing my thing has been making her realize that I am not messing around. My relationship is one sided and feel like I am just a convenience to her , it’s like I have to wait for her to come to me , when she shows signs of distance from me I just go do my thing and give her space , I notice lately I been open to meeting someone else just to have friendship and companionship and yes benefits. With no strings attached. Now a days it seems like that’s all people want so I been open to that , cuz I am not really looking to the whole relationship / marriage thing unless I meet someone that values me like I value them. I know it sounds wrong to do but for some reason it feels normal.
Hey G,
If you have integrity and a moral compass, by going against what you believe in may just make you feel worse about everything and you won’t be setting a very good example for your kids.
I would advise on either divorcing her first before you look for someone else on the side. Stay true to who you are at your core. If you believe in monogamy with the right person, don’t cheat. You won’t like yourself very much if you do.
Staying with a spouse for “your kid’s sake” is not doing your kids any favors if you are unhappy. They will suffer from that more than if you show them you have the right to be happy and separate the right way.
Regardless of how unhappy someone is in their marriage, it’s never okay to cheat.
Lin
I’m so sad for all of you! I’m still unhappy in my marriage but thank God we don’t have kids. I know what it’s like to be verbally abused, gaslighted, manipulated, and have your joy sucked out of you while being told it’s all your fault. Prayers for you all!
My husband is constantly yelling and it seems like his aggression keeps gets worse. When something don’t go right it’s always my fault I don’t know if I can take anymore I don’t have anyone to talk to and my husband won’t get help I’m at my wits end please if anyone has gone thru this please help me I can’t take anymore.
During this time that you focus on your happiness, where does intimacy fit in? My husband is very negative but it’s not all the time but it is getting worse. It wears on me and my son (my daughter is only 1 so she isn’t affected by it yet). Sometimes it is overt sometimes it is passive, sometimes he is the wonderful funny man I married. But those times have been waning. We actually have a decent sex life, but not as enthusiastic as it once was, and more frequently find myself “going somewhere else” to get there. Does that return when the happiness returns? I am desperate to fix this? He is a good man and a good father and I love him dearly but his mean and angry side is driving a wedge between us and I want to repair it before the switch flips and I am beyond caring to fix it. Any advice helps! Thank you!
Hello. I am the complainer in my relationship and I think my husband start loosing his patience with me. I grew up with my mother complaining about everything and in a house where my parents fight all the time since I was little. I don’t know how to get better. I think: today I will go 24 hours without complaining but than it’s stronger than me… how can I help myself and my marriage? Thanks
Do not let anyone abuse you. This page is heavily religious, no one would want you to be abused. As long as children know their parents love them, they can grow up just perfectly with separated parents. Think of yourself as a person you love, would you let yh get abused? It is incredibly unhealthy for children to grow up where one parent treats the other like dirt.
I was desperately looking for help on how to help my husband with his nasty depressed mood he’s a good father and husband, but when he’s in a funk it’s life sucking. I didn’t know if Should I leave, stay was I falling into depression and then i found this and it Has brought me hope and strength. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate your candor for your situation but completely disagree with a “broken” home and keeping your vows. I don’t know about you but I never vowed to be emotionally abused. Choosing to be happy is great but choosing to stay in an abusive relationship isn’t ideal. I’m glad it worked out for you and hope you are truly happy.
God does not want his children to be abused. This article reeks of fakeness. Though abusers can sometimes change and turn things around- it’s extremely rare without heavy intervention and therapy- they don’t just “decide they want to be happy like you”
I’m afraid this article is placing the responsibility on the abused rather than the abuser and is religiously motivated.
I’m sorry you feel this article is fake, but it is my story. You can say it’s religiously motivated but I choose to say “God” motivated. I would have been saying the same thing you are years ago if it didn’t happen to me. All I can tell you is God is in the business of miracles and I’m proof. It did take hard work and I did set boundaries so I didn’t just take abuse, but I opened my heart to God and followed what He was telling me. I pray you find the happiness you’re looking for.
Great article, thanks for helping us with positivism and gratitude. You changed my day for the better!
Wow, so if someone’s mistreating you then keep your mouth shut and just take the abuse? This is arguably the worst advice I’ve ever read and seems wholly motivated on the idea that you cannot get a divorce on religious reasons.
I can appreciate what you’re saying and I get these comments occasionally. My sole motivation at the time was to keep my family intact, and I was not motivated by religious reasons. Fortunately along the way I did find God and listened to what He was telling me to do to save my marriage. From the outside it may seem like abuse and I agree my husbands actions were not appropriate. God helped me to see why my husband was acting like he was and helped me respond with love. It’s not something people can understand unless you have a good relationship with Jesus. (I’m not saying you don’t, but if you do have a good relationship with Him, I would encourage you to pray about this and see what He tells you.) I have proof that following Jesus and acting out of love worked. I am happily married to that same man. He is now the spiritual leader of our home and the most loving man. My children are all loving, Christian, well adjusted adults who grew up in a loving home with parents that didn’t give up on each other. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Please message me if I can encourage you or help you.
Would you give the same advice to someone being physically abused by their spouse, that they just need to trust Jesus and wait for God to show them their partner’s reasons for acting this way? If not, you need to learn that emotional abuse is just as damaging and just as wrong as physical abuse, even if it doesn’t leave visible bruises.
Thank you for your comment. I never condone physical or mental abuse. I agree with you that you should not just wait and let your spouse treat you however they want to. When I decided to focus on myself and be happy within my marriage I set some very strict boundaries. I would recommend the book Boundaries to you. Or Boundaries in Marriage Both are great books by Christian authors that will help you define and set good boundaries.
Wow, this story will now change my life. The misery and criticism I face daily is indeed out of my control. It is not against the law to be happy.
♥️
Hi Leia, I can somewhat relate to you. I had foud myself becoming more and more negative in my relationship. I haven’t always been like that so I chose to put work into myself. I’m only starting my new “me” journey but what has guided me is implementing gratitude into my daily routine. I grabbed the book called “The Magic” by Rhonda Byrne. It has been life changing! I highly, highly recommend it for anyone wanting change in their life. You will look at everything differently. Make the time for yourself, no matter what. You deserve it! 🙂
Thank you for this article. It helped put some things in perspective. I am married 5 years with 2 kids and 1 on the way. My husband has progressively gotten meaner and more angry during the course of our marriage. Maybe I missed earlier signs or chose to ignore them. I love him and I love our family but I don’t love how he treats me or us. He is always angry and has a terrible attitude towards everything. Sometimes it’s like he forgets he’s married with children and always talks about what he wants to or wishes to be doing. I work full time but always take care of my kids and household. He always tells me I don’t take care of him anymore, which hurts me. I don’t know what I am missing I’m always trying to make him happy. I have to start making myself happy I cannot change him. I don’t want to break up our home but there are moments often enough that I think we would both be happier apart. I will try to focus on myself and my children. I just hope he also sees that at some point and wants to do the same.
I disagree. It may not be your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy but if they’re yelling abuse at you every day (but on the other hand will yell at you to calm down if you show the slightest hint of literally any emotion other than contentment, no matter the circumstance) they’re being a bad spouse, regardless of the wedding vows, and YOU have no responsibility to tolerate it.
Hmmmmm funny….I’ve been praying like crazy about what to do about my miserable husband. And I know God is clearly telling me something very different from the advice of this abuse supporting article.
Tammy, you honored your marriage vows in the most beautiful and respectful way possible. It’s not about “putting up” and “shutting up”. It’s about finding joy in every circumstance good and bad. It’s about turning to God and God alone – as you did. It’s easy for people to judge, it’s easy to bail when things get tough, unless there is abuse, affairs, addiction (reasons to leave for sure) nobody should make assumptions about why you chose to stay. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t marriage for “better or worse”? Does your husband have character defects, yes, but don’t we all. Why are we so quick to run away when the going gets a little tough. I’m so glad you chose to make YOU happy and left him in his lane to tend to himself. A new marriage, a new relationship, those too will come with new problems, more of the same, or worse. Don’t justify yourself to anyone because you did what you felt was best for you and your family. Finding yourself and your own happiness inevitably brings about changes in our significant others and the quote “Be the change you want to see” is put into action. Thank you for your honesty and sharing. God does hear prayers, many times in my own marriage I’ve seen it happen when I turn them over to God, focus on working on my interior peace, and let all else go. That’s called Faith in action. God bless!
Yes, you are not responsible for each other’s happiness, but you should take responsibility for your own, and your children who ultimately will think this is normal behaviour In a relationship… girls will think they should put up and shut up and boys will think it’s ok to shout and criticise. This is not love and respect, it is control!
Really good article. Could you elaborate on point 3?
My wife and I are just about to have our 3 year anniversary (no kids). She is always miserable. I also feel like I’m walking on eggshells because anything that even slightly frustrates her sends in her in to a spiral of feeling incompetent, worthless, and ruins her whole day. I can’t even be excited or happy about anything because that makes her miserable out of envy.
Is this complaining? I just feel like I’m so alone and trapped in dealing with this. I feel like it’s sucking the life out of me and there’s no joy any more and I feel like no one understands. How do find help or support without complaining?
For me personally, when my husband caters to me it’s irritating. I know , it should be the opposite, but his way of catering leads one to believe they are incapable of taking care of themselves. I’ve never fallen for that feeling, TG. The more he “interferes “ in my day to day life the more I want to be away from him. And I’m angry, disrespectful and resentful towards him. Why? Because he refuses to respect my wishes and space. He insists on being into my every space. So after 33years he’s just now beginning to give up some of his ways. I could see always it came from a place of love, so although it affects my emotions I put up with it, because there’s one person on earth who loves me whole heartedly. However, another reason my emotions are as described above, I’ve refused to allow him the pleasure of he being happy and men being miserable. I’ve decided it’s my time and although he does love and care , he’ll have to the angry resentful one because I am not shrinking my strong personality for him or anyone anymore. They will now have to rise the my occasion.
I needed this today! My husband is rarely joyful and just miserable most of the time. I’m having a hard time not letting it drown me and am pushing it aside and trying to ignore it, but I am finding I don’t even like being around him bc he’s such a joy kill
When my wife enters one of her miserable modes, which is about half of the time, I say goodbye and go for a run or head to the bar. The problem isn’t solved but at least I’m happy for a while. It beats hanging around her until she uses her misery to goad me into verbal sparring, which she then blames entirely on me. I’m not perfect but I’m a decent man who pays most of the bills and does more than his share around the house. I will not give her the pleasure of dragging me down to her level.
I am going thru the same situation!
My boyfriend (not married but been together for 11 years )
No kids together
Have 6 from previous marriage
He has 3
I have 3
He is always miserable not joyful everything bothers him. He’s always saying he wants to live alone
Right now we live with his aunt and mother and his older son
My daughter and husband are staying here with the baby until they find a place
But they also feel uncomfortable for being here
He’s always saying things about them being here and their stuff
He makes me feel so bad but he doesn’t realize that
I can’t put music
I can’t watch my Spanish channel
I can’t have anything of my stuff around the house
I can’t have the baby’s toys around because it bothers him.
My adults kids can’t do things around the house if he doesn’t approve!
It’s so many things I just can’t write everything
I have my plan to leave under my sleeve
I am just waiting for my daughter and husband to get there place and I will be leaving right behind
I can’t no more
I try so hard to please him in everything but he is not appreciated
I can’t no more
He is not supported in anyway !
He only thinks about him
No one else
He’s all about money
He makes 6 digits a year $150.000
That’s it I just can’t no more…
I just can’t
I not happy no more!!!!
I don’t know how I stumbled upon this article, but I really needed to hear it. I think God was trying to encourage me through you so thank you.
I love my husband so dearly, but he’s almost never happy. I used to be an optimist person with lots of friends, now I have been depressed on and off for almost two years. Don’t get me wrong when he is good he is great, but lately that is few and far between. I love him so much but it hurts so much when he yells especially in front of the kids.
I’ve read so many articles by people who don’t believe in God who give similar advice but it always ends in something a-kin to “in the end you got to do you boo”. I really needed to hear someone give a biblical perspective. Someone to tell me to stay, find small joys, pray… So thank you again God bless.
i have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 7 months and I am going through the same thing but I have anxiety attacks when my husband goes off on me he really says an do hurtful things and am so tired .. I don’t want to give up on my marriage but i feel like this is the last resort. I have a daughter he has no kids has been there for my daughter from since the age of 1 but i constantly have to either go into the bedroom or talk to my daughter to just be quiet for when he gets home.. I pray but the more I pray the more i feel it gets worse I jus put me in a depressive and sad state. He disrupts my peace of mind my daughter even sees a difference in his treatment towards the both of us … I could use some encouraging words because im really feeling to give up but still maybe 2 percent of me still want to try
I been married for 9 years. We been together for 15 years the first 5 years was okay until I said I Do he became someone else he’s always cheating since we got married. We have had good time and now I feel like he not working bc of pandemic. He using that as excuse not to get a job he only want to do the bare minimum. He’s watching everything I do he hears everything after 15 years I’m really tired and I just don’t care we only have 1 child together he has a problem with anybody and everything. I just believe life is short. I don’t won’t no one else but I refuse to sit and be a door mat again and again it’s gets old. Sometimes things don’t work you don’t wanna look back on life bc you afraid and scared bc you worried about the other person not worry about self. I found out this is my time to do self work and pray 🙏allow God to guide me in right direction on this decision.
Bookmarked. We truely are never alone. This article really got to me. There are comments from just 2 days ago, this is an ongoing issue too many of us relate to.
I recommend reading the book “the secret” it may really help you. Also getting a counselor to talk to over the phone. I just got one like 1 month ago and we talk over the phone a bit every week, it really helps to have someone give their perspective, you’ll feel less isolated knowing u have someone to talk to. Hope everyone finds peace.
It’s great to know I’m not as alone as I often feel. My marriage is the cross I pick up each and every morning, as my wife’s persistent pessimism is a dark cloud that hangs over each day. I am happiest when she isn’t around, which means I avoid her presence as much as possible. If there is a criticism to be found, her talent is finding it. Her lack of ambition certainly hasn’t helped the cause; she prefers to wear pajamas and play on her phone for most of the daylight hours while napping for the rest.
But she is also the source of several invaluable blessings in my life: joining the Catholic Church; my job, which is very intellectually and financially rewarding and which she encouraged my to apply for; and our three kids.
For many years I tried to nudge her in positive directions, took on more and more housework, and wrestled with what to do with our marriage.
About five years ago, it was truly a beautiful day in the neighborhood when I woke up, and I opened up all of the drapes and shades in the living room. I was reading the morning paper and drinking my coffee and in a truly happy place. When my wife woke up and opened the bedroom door, she started moaning about how bright it was, and a voice inside my head said “There is no way in hell I am going to live the rest of my life putting up with this.” The follow-up questions was “How long do I have to put up with this?” As a child, I endured a divorce, and it was so painful that I promised I would never put my own children through that, so since our youngest child was in first grade, the answer was 11 years.
At that point, it was 12 years into our marriage, which meant that my sentence was more than half way done, and as I write this, there are only six years to go.
So I wrestle with looking forward to when she and I can have separate addresses while also doing what I can to treasure each moment I get to spend with my kids as they grow up; they are the sunshine that chases away the clouds.
To help, I give thanks in my daily prayers at the beginning of my commute for all the wonderful things I have to be thankful for. As Abraham Lincoln once said, people are as happy as they decide to be. So I endure and find joy wherever I can. The world truly is a wondrous place; I just with my wife understood that.
P.S. Thanks for the opportunity to express this; it is its own kind of therapy.
I’m happy you are happy. But it makes me very sad to hear you must count down the days until you are free to be truly happy again. It is very sad when the person we choose to share our lives with choose negativity over a happy life together.
My husband came from a narcissistic family. But I always remind myself never judge people based on their background. Ironically, a dysfunctional family may turn a child into personality disorder or a child may never influence by it. Unfortunately, my husband happened to be a narcissist, controller, and womanizer.
He denied all pains and sufferings he inflicted on me all these years until I confronted him and shattered his mask. He finally admitted his faults and realized his family turned him into a narcissist.
He is seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. But he doesn’t know how to keep a distance with his toxic family. I know if he fails to keep distance with his family, he may never be better person. He can’t promise me that he will be better with treatment and therapy.
I am struggling… staying in this marriage I am suffering and have lost trust in him. I am worrying if I stay I become an enabler his narcissistic behavior.
Please advise. Thanks
This article gives terrible advice. Your husband was emotionally and mentally abusive to you as well as your children by being angry, yelling aggressively over things on a daily basis which shows your children its ok to put up with that behavior in their future marriages or shows them it’s ok to treat their future spouse like that because “mommy allowed it” and instead of standing up and saying “No more, straighten up or get out”, you lay down and “play nice”? You wait until HE threatens to leave you and your kids which is purely a narcissist power move, and instead of cutting ties then like you should have, so you all could be free and happy, you allow him to stay after messing with your emotions? No. None of this is healthy nor is it ok and I hope people truly don’t follow this advice. If someone is verbally abusing you or your children and making you live in depression or fear because of having to walk on eggshells, that’s abuse. Period. Get out, move on, be by yourself, whatever it takes. But don’t allow it to continue for God’s sake.
Terrible advice, based of bs faith in god and distancing self from reality.