Jun 042013
 
Please follow and like us:

Is your spouse constantly crabby? Do they anger easily? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying to make or keep them happy? Are you miserable because of their attitude? Should you leave and find someone who makes you happy?

When you’re living with someone who has a bad attitude, it seems like it would be easier to leave and find someone to treat you the way you should be treated. It seems unfair that their mood has such negative effect on you. You didn’t do anything, why are they treating you so badly. Should you leave?

My husband used to be very unhappy and angry all the time. When he’d come home from work, I felt like I was walking on eggshells trying not to make him angry. I tried to do whatever I could not to set him off. I never wanted to talk to him about anything that may upset him because I knew it would end up with him extremely angry and then he wouldn’t speak to me for weeks. After years of trying to please him, I was incredibly resentful of him and not very happy myself. I had turned into someone I didn’t like or want to be. I was miserable!

I remember the day very well that I decided enough was enough. He had come home from work and walked into the laundry room. The kids had dumped a laundry basket of clean clothes on the floor and he started yelling. I ran in the room and was scrambling to pick up all the clothes and put them away when all of a sudden it hit me. Even if I do this it won’t make a difference. He will find something else to be angry about.  I finally got it. I had no control over his reactions and moods. He was the only one that could control him.  As hard as I tried to make him happy, I couldn’t.

Fortunately I was smart enough not to point that out to him in that moment, but I made a decision that day not to let his attitude affect mine. I made a decision to be happy even if he was miserable, angry, crabby, yelling, silent, or any other negative emotion he had.

From then on I decided I would do whatever it took (within the vows of my marriage) to make myself happy. I started bombarding myself with positive messages through books, movies, anything that helped me maintain a positive attitude.  I stopped watching the news and stopped talking to negative people (other than my husband).  I prayed like crazy.  And things got worse!!  Instead of my husband changing his attitude to meet mine, he became even angrier and tried even harder to push my buttons. This went on for at least 6 months.

But I kept up with what I was doing because I could tell it was making a positive change in my life. At that point in time I wasn’t sure our marriage was going to survive. One thing I did know is that I wanted more than anything to be happy. I had no control over the choices my husband made, but I did have control over my choices. I chose to stay. I chose to be happy. I chose not to ruin my children’s lives with divorce. I chose everyday when I woke up to be happy. Sometimes I chose minute by minute. And sometimes I failed miserably. But every day I got a little stronger and my setbacks were further and further apart.

After about 6 months of me maintaining my positive happy attitude, my husband told me he was leaving. I was devastated on the inside, but I knew I had no control over him. So I said very calmly “I’m sorry you are making that decision, I love you and I want to be with you. I’m telling you right now that I am choosing to be happy. I will be happy with or without you but I’d rather it be with you. I have no control over what you do,  just know that I don’t want you to leave but respect your decision.” Then I went in the bathroom and cried and prayed for God to just help me stay strong.

He didn’t leave that day. He knew the threat of leaving me was the final huge button pusher that usually set me off, either crying or fighting. When he didn’t get that reaction from me he realized that I really had changed. He decided to stick it out awhile longer and was open to changing his perspective. He started asking me how he could be happy too. We rebuilt our life together even better. It wasn’t always easy and it still takes work for each of us to be happy, but we both know we are the only ones responsible for making ourselves happy. It’s awesome now that we can share that happiness but don’t rely on each other to generate it.

I wonder what would have happened if I given up on our marriage after 5 ½ months of concentrating on my happiness. What if I had decided he wasn’t contributing to my happiness and left him? What if I decided it was just too much work? Our children would be living in a broken home right now. We would probably both be remarried and having the exact same problems we had with each other only with new partners.

It is not your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy. It’s not your responsibility to make them happy. It is your responsibility to honor your marriage vows and stay together. Sometimes that means giving way more than you take for a long period of time. It always means giving the best of yourself every day, your happy self, even when your spouse doesn’t deserve it.  So do I think you should leave your spouse if their attitude is making you miserable? Obviously not, but you do need to set boundaries with your spouse and go on a journey to make yourself happy.

Here are 8 things you can do every day to help you on your journey……

  1. Pray every day for strength and guidance to maintain a positive attitude.
  2. Bombard your mind with positive thoughts and images.
  3. Don’t complain to anyone about anything.
  4. Distance yourself from negative people and influences in your life.
  5. Don’t watch the news or other drama filled negative media.
  6. Find one thing to be thankful for about your spouse and concentrate on that.
  7. Give grace to them even when they don’t deserve it.
  8. Choose to be happy, minute by minute if necessary.

Please message me if you need encouragement. It may be a long road to changing your own attitude and an even longer road to reaching your spouse. Sometimes you just need a little encouragement. I pray if you are reading this you will take the journey. God Bless!

 

Since posting this article, I have had many people write to me and ask what specifically they can do everyday to be and stay happy. I wrote a follow-up post to this called 10 steps to happiness that spells out exactly what  steps I took to be happy. I encourage you to read it and try it.  Please let me know how it works for you.

 

 

Please follow and like us:

  77 Responses to “My Spouse’s Attitude Is Making Me Miserable… Should I Leave?”

  1. How can I do this? I have prayed daily, for our marriage, for him, for our children and for god to give me the strength I need to get through this. I always go out of my way to make my husband happy and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough, I’m always the bad guy, I’m either not a good wife or a bad mother. I feel like I’m going very crazy, I don’t know what else to do. Please help me out. 😢

    • Have you tried reading the Love Language book? You are your husband should both take the test to see what your love language is and then show each other love through your love language. Also, it is a good idea to get an accountability couple that would help you through difficult times. It could be friends, but make sure their marriage is stable and family is a no no! I have a blog called sweetened marriage that talks about the love languages. Check it out!

    • Thank you for writing your story I’m newly married to a vet with ptsd, when we started dating things were great after we got married and moved in we found that the ptsd,was worse then we ever expected. Tonight I couldn’t sleep and came across your story. It’s also my story word for word. No matter how good of a wife I try to be it’s never good enough. I also have 2 little girls, we all walk on eggshells trying not to trigger a negative response. I have been contiplating if staying is worth it. This was supposed to be the marriage that tought my girls how a husbsnd was to treat their wife. After reading your story I know only I can make myself and my girls happy so I choose happiness, and hope he follows and one-day realizes how much we love him.

      • I love that you’re choosing happiness! It is hard at first to be happy when you’re so accustomed to reacting to his moods. You can do it! I thought of every day as a test…could I control myself and my moods even when his are out of control? Everyday I passed the test was awesome. But don’t beat yourself up on the days it doesn’t go so well. Just like everything else, the more practice you get the better you are! God still tests me regularly. 🙂 But my husband does know now I won’t cater to his moods. He can change his attitude much faster now from crabby to happy. Just know that it may take some time and your husband may need some professional help for the PTSD. I’m praying for you!

  2. I liked what you had to say and it did help. My husband is angry a lot. My late husband wasn’t like this. I have 2 grown children and I swear he hates them. He says he doesn’t but you can tell. My son lives with us and my daughter moved out. My son tries to help out around the house but nothing he does is good enough. Whatever I do or say is always wrong. He is a perfectionist. I can’t buy anything other than groceries. If I buy anything for our house he gets mad at me for spending money.Everything has to be his way and he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad guy. He says I say things that I don’t say. He doesn’t want me to talk to anyone about what goes on in our house. His late wife never wanted anything. She was perfect with him now I’m the second wife from hell. What do I do?

  3. I lived 10 years with ‘misery’. It effected me but at the same time I don’t think I ever lost my own positive attitude. I just felt frustrated that he was blocking my every attempt to move forward with projects. Finally the day came when he pushed a door into our 6 year old son deliberately and made him cry. I walked out that day and never looked back. His attitude is still negative and self centred – I’m so glad I left. It’s interesting you make it sound like a ‘broken marriage’ is the worst thing in the world. My son is far happier now. Even though he spends a few nights a week with his Father, it is understood that I will not tolerate any abuse. Our home is now a peaceful zone where we can completely relax instead of living on egg shells and he is a much happier child. I never want to marry again.

  4. Wow that helped me and my marriage thanks so much

  5. Wow, u just dont know how helpful that was to me, and i think about the same decisions of leaving my wife because of her attitude, and thinking i will be more happier, but at the same time i don’t want to, and after reading this just gave me motivation to work on our relationship.

  6. I reading all this comment n i go thru the same my husband gets angry very easy i cant have a conversatio with him bcause if he dont agree he start yelling at me or get mad bcause i dont have same opinion my kids are big my youngest is 18 n she is very depress bcause of the way he is when he is at work we happy when he gets home everybody goes to their room to avoid him.i dont know what to do anymore

  7. I agree with all this article says— but HELP! What do you do when kids are involved? I am having the hardest time showing respect to my husband who is an unhappy man who acts rude and unfairly… and I have no idea how to balance the kids (3) in with the mix. He is a strict/perfectionist type parent and never had siblings or a parent relationship growing up. He over reacts and acts very rudely/meanly to the children — sort of “accusatory” towards them especially when the youngest sibling gets hurt or cries. I am walking on eggshells all the time and just trying to prevent blow ups from him towards the kids. (I cried when I read the part in your article about how your husband reacted to the kids and the laundry– I relate!). I started to warn kids like “let’s not do that when dad is around” but then started to feel yucky inside about doing that– I don’t want to teach them to “conform” to make dad happy. I feel very stuck in the middle. I want to teach my children they must obey/listen to their father but when he is rude, mean, and unhappy all the time and acting, quite frankly selfish and childish (more childish than kids!!!) I end up defying him and sticking with the kids. Case in point: middle child is holding 18 month old’s blanket and when dad is having a fun moment– tickles middle child and middle child lets go of blanket absently, baby who was holding blanket falls but doesn’t get hurt but cries for a moment out of being startled. Husband starts scolding and demanding middle child to go to room in the middle of our family time– very unfairly and meanly and rudely. Middle child starts crying because he doesn’t honestly know what happened or why he is being yelled at. I tell husband “It was an accident” and hug startled middle child keeping him next to me on the couch. Husband gets frustrated and mad and leaves. I know this is not healthy and that is why I am asking because out of all the articles i have ever read this one is very close to how our house is and how husband is and what I am trying to do… Please any advice you have would help.

    • My husband sounds like yours. I have been married for goi g o 32 years and the house and kids were always in turmoil. I used to believe it was all my fault. The kids are grown now but nothing has changed. My husband can be nice one minute and blow his stack a minute later about the smallest thing. I dont drive and when I ask him to take me somewhere he says sarcastically…..im a taxi driver now. I dont talk much to him cause when I do it turns into a lecture or an argument. He is always angry.

  8. I have been married for 26 years,we have raised 3 boys and now have 3 gands.He as always been unpredictable with his anger,I never know whats going to set him off.he has never hit me but his words are just as bad.I stayed for the kids and the fact that our house is built on my dads property.The kids are grown now and I’m still here.I try to do everything he wants so he don’t get mad but nothing is ever good enough.He can be wonderful one minute and a complete jerk the next.I can remember when the kids still lived at home if he couldn’t find the remote they would all be scrambling trying to find it so he didn’t get mad,just stupid stuff.I can’t have my grandkids over because he acts like he hates them.I am miserable! I pray to god everyday! I really don’t know what to do.

  9. This blog was heaven sent for me. I have been dealing with issues of negativity in my marriage and have chosen to try harder at being happy because I am at the moment of realization I have CHOICE to be happy. I can not try to “fix” my husband, all I can do is pray for strength and guidance and for my husband to find peace as well. I was overjoyed to see I am not the only one to have gone through this situation and it just lets me know God is always watching and listening, as well as placing blessings and reassurance of your journey in your path. This has helped tremendously in me continuing on my positive thoughts and helping the choice to be happy a little easier. Thank you

  10. I am fed up. I read your article above a week or so ago and can’t get it out of my mind. I am going to try your suggestion and see what happens. I am a very happy person and my husband is so miserable, I find it heart breaking to watch, and exhausting to try to change. But, after 5-1/2 years I finally realize his moods have NOTHING to do with me and I have started the steps to live my life accordingly. In the mean time we are going to a counsellor regularly and we have family support as things are on the rocks. I want to focus on surrounding myself with happy people and experiences. I think your story is inspiring. Either he’s going to walk this path with me, or not. Here I go…

  11. I’m on the other side of the spectrum. I am the angry one. I grew up having a very unhappy, depressed, and negative mom. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I swore I would never be like her. I used to be happy and laugh all the time, now (I’m 31) I am acting somewhat lile my mom. I no longer have that positive outlook in life. I miss who I was. My fiancé(we have been together for four years) keeps telling me he can’t take my attitude anymore. I don’t do it intentionally. I want to stop being crabby every day, but can’t. I went through alot growing up. I was molested at the age of 11, my mom did nothing about the issue. My parents fought all the time, my mom was suicidal, and my mom put me down alot as a child. I’m not trying to use the “my parents messed up my life” card, but it was tough. I think I just have alot of anger inside of me, and I don’t know how to let go of all those negative feelings, so sometimes I think I subconsciously expell my attitude. I have tried seeing a Therapist, it worked for a little bit. I don’t enjoy being a lemon, and it’s not fair to my loved ones. I’m not saying having a negative attitude is ok b/c it’s not. But I’m sure your husbands deep down don’t mean it. All I know is I just want to be happy like I used to be, and live a happy life. Good luck to all of you!!

    • Hello Sally. I had a similar childhood to what you described. That happiness you described cannot be maintained when you still feel the pain of your childhood. I urge you to find a counselor and do the work it takes to compartmentalize your childhood trauma. Tackling the pain of the sexual abuse was hard but not as hard as tackling the damage my mother did to me. One day I just got to a point that I let it go. I forgave myself for holding on to the pain & the bad decisions I made because of it. I gave myself permission to move past it & to be happy. I forgave my mother too when she started to tackle her issues. She was also abused (the dreaded cycle). The memories are with me forever, but I let go of the pain. I am genuinely happy now. I am happy with myself & I find it easy to find the light in my everyday life. So, I hope that you have the will to find the love in your heart. Life is too short & too precious not to give yourself the chance to be happy. You can find it again.

  12. Everyday I have to speak with my husband, it almost always results with him saying “why are you so mad? Do you have to have an attitude? Why do you hate me?” I know that I have a tone in my voice most of the time….I probably sound angry and mad, and a lot of times it is because i am…for many different reasons (the dog tore something up, the kids acting out of order, the house is a mess, and my husband just waits for me to clean it up) i feel like if i am the only one that has to try, that is not fair. (i understand this is wrong thinking) i am now trying to speak in a softer, loving voice (attitude free) that will not provoke anger to anyone in my household. let me tell you, this is very difficult to do!
    thanks for the artical

  13. Hi
    I too have the same issue. Problem is i have been trying for more than 4 years now. Yes it got better on some days and i would feel like im still in love, but when he gets into one of his fits again, i really hate the fact that he is causing so much unhappiness in my life. He came from a broken family and i have read and understood why he is behaving in such a manner due to PA, i have tried to stay true to my vows and went counselling, putting down my pride n smiling at him even though he was at fault, even decided to quit my job and both went on a year long break fully paid for by me when i learnt that stress at work is making him into an angry person. Im the one supporting the house financially, and im the one planning all the holidays and making all the decisions, he cant finish any task that require more than 5 steps. Im very strong, but when i have to coax my hubby just to have dinner with my parents, i feel totally worthless. We have been together 12 yrs now and married for 4. I am sure life is better without him. But cant bear to give it up. Pls help.

  14. I have lived with guilt of not being understanding, not fulfilling my responsibilities of a good wife. I know he had a horrible childhood, not because of what he has told me but because in 20 years I know nothing of his childhood. He has checked out emotionally and physically. We have sex only when he determines – about once a month if I’m lucky. He told me about 6 yrs ago he simply isn’t interested anymore. He completely ignores what I say most of the time. Have had dr appts in the last couple weeks with no interest in what’s going on. Don’t tell me anymore that I have to be happy, I am. But I’m also abandoned by the person who is supposed to love me, care for me and be there for me. I have great kids but one day they will all be gone. I don’t think I can take much more of the emotional abuse – let’s call a spade a spade. His passive aggressive emotional control won’t change unless he determines to and while “he is not to blame” why should he change? This is a great concept but in the last four years, it has done nothing for my marriage but to further make the gap into an abyss. The happier I am the more distant he becomes- and who is ignoring who? Why me if course. I am the one to blame. If I was more understanding, if I was more attentive, if I would just fall into the belief once again that any problems I “conjure up” are all in my head, I’d see how badly I disrespect him. Nope, not buying it anymore. He lives a secret life. How do I know? Because he does it right I under my nose. He keeps things on the down low , nothing bad, nothing suspicious but like not asking about my health issues, he doesn’t disclose any information about the things he does. When I ask (often times trying to be very upbeat and positive) he will shrug his shoulders and tell me he didn’t see a need to tell me. What the hell?!?! We are freaking married, aren’t we supposed to share? I found a blog by a Christain man that perfectly described my life. It was about the disengaged husband/father. Before anyone says I should look for ways to help him engage or ways that I have not been the submissive wife, let me remind you I have – but when the husband, who is supposed to be the spiritual leader refuses to lead, refuses to make a decision (whether it is out if fear or resentment) somebody needs to make the decision. He has no interest in our finances, N.O,N.E. He has told me so. Yet he whines and complains that we never have enough money. How the hell would he know?! He determined about 5 yrs ago that one of his vacation weeks should be completely his to do only as he wants (like that isn’t every vacation because to go anywhere with the kids or ourselves, which we have NEVER done because every trip I’ve ever planned for the two of is he sabotages) – why should he get that vacation? Because “I work my ass off for this family and deserve to do what I want to for a change”. Really? Okay. I’ve only been a mother for 28 years (two kids from a previous marriage) and never have had a week to “do what I want for a change”.

    In theory, I would agree with your plan. Unfortunately, for some of us, we are atill in that stage of choosing to be happy while he gets angrier and shuts down more. After years not months. I don’t want a divorce, it’s a death and affects everyone and leaves scars but I truly cannot live like this anymore.

    • I’m sorry you are so unhappy in your marriage. Your husband sounds a lot like my husband was, just totally disengaged from the marriage. Was there a time even before you were married that you two were happy? If so I believe you can get that back. I know you say that you are happy but I hear a lot of resentment and anger in what you typed. You say in theory you agree with my plan but have you ever really done the necessary things for a long period of time? If you’ve read any of my other posts, specifically 7 days to a happier marriage, I recommend giving your marriage 1 year of solid commitment from you with no expectations from your spouse. Most people give up after a couple of weeks of not seeing any progress. I’ve shared that it took my husband 6 months to even begin to question how he could help the marriage. In those 6 months he actually became more withdrawn and tried even harder to start arguments with me. It was an incredibly difficult journey but I’m so glad I stuck with it. Do you really want to be happy? That was a question I had to ask myself. I was so incredibly angry with him and so resentful I had to make a choice every day sometimes every minute to not let his attitude change mine. Sometimes the anger is so justified it’s hard to let it go. I would love to help you if you want to contact me privately. I know the pain you are going through and I can hear it in what you typed. There is hope.I will pray for you and your marriage.

      • Honestly, I’ve committed the last three years to no expectations. He has complied well. His family sees it, people at church see it, he is the only one who doesn’t. It is sad. I believe after reading a ton, combing through websites, he is a depressed passive aggressive. He cannot see anything good. I have talked to him about it, he changes his ways for a few days but goes right back. “How was your day?” “Well, it’s over, that’s about all I can say”. Just when you think it’s going to be better, WHAM! a slap in the face. Yes, I want to be happy. Yes, there was a time we were, when I complied and backed off. But when he started in belittling the kids, I grew a backbone. Two of our kids think he hates them and I assure then that’s not true. I have tried to understand his helplessness in the emotional bankruptcy of his childhood. But he needs to make effort too. Go here, this is the blog I mentioned. I am like you, really. You happen to be one of the more fortunate ones. I don’t understand really, but can say that God is equipping me daily sometimes by the minute as you say, to live a happy life despite the guilt that is piled for being so.

        http://richardetrader.blogspot.com/2011/05/passive-father.html

      • Thank you for prayers! And I would love to speak with you!

    • Wow you just wrote everything i have been feeling for years. Well…at least i know im not alone in this battle. 🙁

    • You should leave him and find your own happiness without him,he is not worth it !!!

  15. I loved this article when I read it. I have been in a marriage with an unhappy man for twenty years. I used to think I could help him but then realized after many years that I cannot make him happy. He needs to be happy in his own. His main complaint for not being happy is that he hates the state we live in. He wants to move. I make good money and enjoy my current location. I am unwilling to sacrifice my happiness for the possibility of him regaining his happiness. Is this selfish? My only resolution to this is that he move and get a job and then I could move when and if there are changes in his attitude. He is a good man and a good dad. It makes me sad that he cannot find the inner peace we all deserve. Thanks for listening.

    • I’ve moved around a lot. I learned that it didn’t matter what city I lived in. Yes, fresh starts were exciting, but distracted me from certain underlying issues. I learned that I can make happiness wherever I am. That being said, it took many fresh starts for me to come to this realization.

      Although it sounds like he is trying to find happiness for himself, I don’t think you are being selfish. It sounds like you are confident in what you want. It is very loving and patient of you to support him in his decision, and giving options on ways you can support him. I hope things work out ok for you.

  16. Wow! thank you thank you thank you. I just got engaged and my fiance has started this type of behavior and I knew immediately it would have to change. He knows it too! I have tried the “be happy anyway” approach and ignore his ways and talk to him about it, and it doesn’t work. I pray regularly and decided to be happy and go to church! He is still pulling his over sensitive reactive dramas, but I just quietly walk out of the room and do my own thing. He feels stupid about it later. I am strong so I know he will cave in, but I am showing him how to treat me, since he is so insecure about things. I hope this will lead to an even stronger marriage. What’s a shame is that we are happy 80% of the time and we laugh and tell jokes, then he gets angry about something small! I am taking a chance on him and I am hoping it works out!

    • Step lightly and postpone that marriage if you don’t see significant change. My husband showed no signs of this behavior early on. He was attentive, loving and caring. PA is disguised well until one day you simply no longer measure up. Then, the door closes and you wonder what in the world you did and the vicious cycle of crazy making begins! Be very careful!

    • Nycole, It’s good you recognize warning signs before you actually get married. I would delay that wedding until you are certain his behavior will change. Marriage usually magnifies not diminishes problems. I agree that you need to teach him how to treat you. Some men just don’t know. Whatever you allow and put up with they will continue to do. I like that you leave the situation when he is being dramatic. If you can both get God to the center of your lives I bet you will see a huge change. Just please be careful about marrying someone that you want to change. Why not wait and see if he changes before you marry him?

  17. I needed this article right now. I am beginning to experience anxiety attacks as a result of my husband’s stress and negativity. I don’t want to leave him but I am really concerned about my well-being in this daily environment. Thank you for sharing.

  18. I am a very happy and positive person with every aspect of my life, but struggle to remain so when it comes to my husband. This is exactly what I needed to read.

  19. My fiance` and I have three beautiful children, two from her previous marriage, and one with me. Those girls know me as their father. I’ve always been Daddy to them, and always will be. However, my fiance` is the most miserable person in the world. She is never happy. She is difficult about everything and for no reason. She refuses to have a wedding, stating that even something small is a waste of money. She has no goals or dreams she wishes to share. She has no idea what she wants to do career-wise, and has openly said she would be perfectly content working at Walmart for the rest of her life. She doesn’t enjoy meeting people, will not speak to my friends or family, and is quite rude in public and family get-togethers. She doesn’t talk in person, only by text message. And wakes up every single day mad at the world. She gets mad if our 7 month old daughter wakes up at night and needs a diaper change or bottle. In her words, “I don’t care what she needs. She should be sleeping through the night by now.” She doesn’t particularly clean much, and the condition of our little home when I return from working two jobs shows it. She doesn’t understand the need for savings accounts or investments for the future, and is so financially irresponsible, it’s a nightmare. She is a complete drain on my financial well-being, attitude, and overall happiness. I have never been able to relate as much stress to a single person or thing in my life. Please, please, please, PLEASE help.

    I want to make this work, and for both of us to be happy more than anything. For the kids…

    • She may have post-partum depression. I felt this way after I had my second child. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until a few years later. There is an underlying reason for her to feel this way. Possibly go to counseling together(if possible).If you can’t afford mental counseling for the both of you, then if you attend church, meet with the pastor. He/she may have some insight to help you with this issue. I was told by my ex- husband that I was the one who needed counseling, not him. Obviously, this counseling did help me- but not our marriage because he reused to go. With you working 2 jobs, which can be very stressful on the relationship and everything else, maybe more communication could help. Start praying and check out some books at the Christian book store on marriage. Try to do this before you get married, so your marriage will be stronger. I will pray for you and your fiancé tonight.

      • My heart goes out to you and your children! My heart also goes out to your fiance my prayers are with all of you. Do not get married unless you have this issue worked out for many months before you even think about a date for your wedding. The last comment I agree with go to your church and get some premarital counseling and also it does sound like post pardum that’s a terrible thing to go thru and in some cases womaen do not even know that there is a problem. Unless she was like this before the baby was born in that case she may have another depression disorder which there are medications for get her into a Dr. As soon as you can. The children (the girls) look at her and since they are girls she is the strongest role model in their lives. I’m sure you do not want them to grow up like that thinking that’s the correct way to treat people or see what an unhealthy relationship mommy and daddy have because they will seek that in a marriage. I pray that she will seek and accept help and you try your best with Gods help to hang in there. God brought you together for a reason. Praying for Gods will to be done.

  20. I really like this article, I am going through similar and can relate to bits and bobs from all comments and I must say it is truly hard to be happy and optimistic when you are married to a “miserable” spouse. Words cant express the hurt and sadness relating to this topic.
    My only consolation and my hope lies on GOD…………….indeed with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!
    I strongly agree with this article and hence forth I shall live my life as happy as I can possibly be, living every minute to please me. Making God my main source of inspiration and happiness and living accordingly to uphold my marriage vows. IT IS WELL!!!!

  21. My husband and i have been together for going on 8 years now and married for 1 and a half. We have 2 children, a boy of 3 and a girl of 6 months. Before we were married he broke up with me about 5 times (i’ve actually lost count to be honest) because i didn’t respect his need to have boys nights out on the regular basis he was having them (2-3 times a month) and also due to the involvement of one of his friends who always used to egg him on to continue behaving that way (not that i hold the friend liable for his actions, but the disrespect resulted in many fights as my husband never defended me or understood where i was coming from). About 3 months ago we had another huge fight when he had spent about 3 consecutive nights out either drinking with friends, or training with a mutual friend. I was upset as i was paying for majority of our living expenses (as his financial obligations were to parties like his employee, his repossessed vehicle and the small amount of debt incurred from our wedding), looking after both children and cleaning house where i could, with him cooking dinner every night but failing to perform other simply husbandly duties without being asked to do them. His defence is that he feels neglected by me both sexually and affectionately and doesn’t really see why he should be at home if he doesn’t get any attention, but my argument is that i don’t know how i can be expected to give my self whole-heartedly to him when he doesn’t give himself whol-heartedly to me. Since this last big fight, he has stopped the drunken late nights, but he now feels the need to have 2 sunday breakfast runs a month with his biker club and spend 2 nights a week doing muay thai training. I have worked out that this means that we get to spend about 55% of his free time with him and 45% of it goes to his hobbies. Is this an acceptable ratio being an adult man with a wife and two children? Because i’m having some extreme difficulty coming to terms with it, and the time that he spends on his hobbies is when i feel angered and hurt, and actually makes the time that he is at home uncomfortable and pointless because there is no passion from my side anymore.

  22. I decided that I am done with him but I do feel sorry for kids so I just live under same roof. He has cheated lied and I just found out my marriage was a beard. He seemed gay now I found out he can be bi sexual too. He can call me and even god all names. He loves his male friends and hia own family even if they scorn him. We dint talk unless important. I dont look at him at all. I totally resent knowing him but try my best not to be angry. Its not worth my life with my kids to be angry. I sleep well and work and do usual chores and tv and read and shop while going to and fro work. I am from out of country and I dont have anyone here except some friend. My immediate family is not supportive except I support my widowed mum financially. My life is just simple and more peaceful. He does grocery and maintain bills and house outside. I pay daycare and necessities for kids and me and my phone bills. He earns 3x more! I dont want to think of future. I have investments and savings and continuing. I believe god and my late dad will help me. As long as my kids are in a family no fights no quarrels just quiet with food educatiin toys and love for them.My life and theirs is complete. If any harm were to be imposed on them then I shall activate plan b.

    • Hello G, My question to you is that, is this life? is this what marriage is? I am totally confused on when it’s time to draw the line? I personally do not feel this marriage….it sounds like room mate!!!. it will be interesting to converse more with you, maybe you can shed more light into my dilema

  23. What if you are married to a verbally abusive (to kids and me) alcoholic spouse? How do you stay happy in a situation like that

  24. I’ve decided to stay, and so has my wife, but we’ve had to make adjustments so that we don’t piss each other off or hurt each other. Changes I’ve had include:

    No more smoking weed. Ok. I guess. she can take my kid and run if I’m testing positive for pot in a state where its not legal, so OK. she wins this one. But she still loses. She fell in love with “guy who relaxes with weed”. Now she gets the “total a-hole guy” that I am without it. She’s lucky I don’t like alcohol.

    I don’t speak to her unless asked a direct question, then I only answer that exact question. She gets closeness from “quality time” and “deep conversations”. I get closeness from physical affection and sex. Since she gives neither can she recieve lest my anger build. No more connecting with her and feeding her needs while mine are overlooked.

    I will never, ever initiate sex with her EVER again. If we DO have sex it will be because SHE initiated, and I happen to be in the mood and didn’t just masturbate earlier to get rid of the urge to have sex.

    There will be no “dating” or even “pretending” we love each other anymore. The joke is old at this point. We both know there’s no resuscitating any romance, because I know romance never leads to passion it leads to “i have a headache” or the same plain vanilla emotionless sex we always have, where she’s way to goofy and not near serious enough about it. Knowing there’s a rotten apple at the end of “date night” makes me not even want to start to try to woo her anymore.

    So yeah, I’ve given up on ever having a fun exciting sex life, with her its going to be “vanilla sex”, the exact same sex, every time. She’ll always want the lights off, and she’ll always feel fat, and she’ll never want to do oral or 69 or wear lingerie or really any of the things I’d like to do with her beyond basic missionary.

    She doesn’t hug or touch me, so I won’t hug or touch her either anymore.

    The purpose of our marriage is to raise our children with the impression that they’re being raised in a healthy, happy family. It doesn’t have to BE that for our children to THINK it, we just have to PRETEND it, because that’s the best she and I will ever muster together.

    I stopped “giving to get”. I’m never going to get anything out of this relationship because she doesn’t care whether or not I’m happy. Working hard at trying to make her happy just makes her want to make HERSELF more happy. I give knowing I’ll never get anything near what I give in return and just accept that.

    I used to think that to me, my definition of love was “when someone else’s happiness means more to you than your own”. I treated my wife that way for 10 years.

    Then I had a baby, and I feel I need to update my definition of love.

    “when someone else’s happiness is the only thing that means ANYTHING to you”. That’s love. That’s how I feel about my son. Me being happy in this marriage is now irrelevant. My happiness means nothing to me. Her happiness means nothing to me. His happiness is the only thing that means ANYTHING to me.

    • Wow it sounds like you have some serious anger and resentment towards your wife. I know that feeling and I’m sorry you feel that way. I like your last sentence about love. It is so easy to love our children with unconditional love even when they mess up, but so hard for us to do the same with our spouse. I had the same anger towards my husband that you have towards your wife. I know it feels like she doesn’t care and she will never change. She may not. You are not doing your son any good by “pretending” to be happy. You need to BE Happy. I admire you for staying with your wife even though you are not happy because of your child. It seems like such an admirable thing to do for your child. However, your happiness is important. You need to find a way to be happy within your marriage even if your wife doesn’t change. It’s not impossible. I know because I did it. It took my husband almost a year to change his ways. I was prepared to stay and be happy even if he didn’t change. He had no plans to change. If you ask him now he would even tell you he tried to sabotage my happiness and was even angrier when I started to change and be happy. You will need to make a conscious effort every day to be happy while honoring your marriage. I wrote an article about exactly what I did every day to be happy. Here’s the link if you’d like to read it I will pray for both of you and I hope you will decide to be happy. 🙂

      • I don’t think your link posted.

        Unfortunately I’m fundamentally unable to be happy without sex, so honoring my marriage and finding happiness are mutually exclusive at this point.

  25. Hi Everybody…
    I am going through a similar situation as you all are in. Everyday he make me realize that I am worthless. His mood swings like anything. Everyday I wake up with a fear…that donno what will be his mood today and how he is going to treat me. I was a very ambitious girl a year back when I was not married to him. Still I am…but now that passion and love is ending day by day. His mood swing is making me mentally sick. someday he loves me, he treats me like a kid, ponder lots of love and care and the very next day he will abuse me like anything, and make me feel ashamed on myself.
    I cannot leave him because I love him. He was good before marriage, after marriage he got to know about my affair which was before marriage. the topic has nothing to do with our after marriage life, because i was and i am 100% loyal to him. Just to take revenge (as he said) he cheated on me twice after marriage. He never feel bad about what he did with me, but just pointing out my past stories he is making my life miserable. Everyday he use to curse me…I am tired of all these shits….please please help me out … and guide me that what should i do. please i need suggestion should I leave him or stay with him.

    • It sounds to me like your husband is so angry about your affair he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Sounds like he loves you but the torment in his head over the affair makes him act crazy. Have you two been to counseling? Do you have children? If you don’t have children, please do not start a family with this man unless you both get some help. I would suggest a 3 day intense program my husband and I went to it’s called savemymarriage.com. I am not affiliated with them in any way. I just know they work, especially for couples with trust issues. Send me a private message if you want more information. I will keep you in my prayers.

      • Hi Tammy,

        Thank you so much for you kind reply.
        We just got married 11 months back and we are not having children.

        Yes I do think he loves me, but my question is if he loves me then why cant he forgive me. my affair was just a simple affair..that’s it. in fact he was also having several affairs before marriage, in fact physical relationships with girls. but i never pointed out those things from his life because the only thing i know is that i love him.
        Tammy last Friday I left him and came to my daddy’s home. Still i am with my family. Last Thursday he crossed the limit and was cursing and abusing me like anything…I didn’t informed him that I am leaving. After he left for office on Friday i left home. But when i came he spoke to my brother and told him everything about our relationship and why i left him (he told my brother about all my past stories). but he didn’t said to my brother that he use to abuse me and he is making me mentally sick. he told my brother about his extra-marital affair and also said that because of my mistake (which was before marriage) he did this all to me. but on Monday itself he said sorry to me and said that he want me back in his life. he said that he ll try to forget everything and also that he loves me. the only thing he has asked, is for more time to forget all my past story.
        I donno tammy what should I do. when i remember all those things and tortures he has given me i feel pain and only pain at deep inside my heart. I don’t feel like going back to him, yes i know i still love him, but the pain is much bigger then my love. I really want your reply —- what should i do???

        • Unfortunately I can’t tell you what you should do. I think it’s good that you set boundaries and don’t allow him to verbally abuse you. It sounds like your relationship was not built on trust and it’s going to be difficult to trust each other now. I also get the feeling you don’t think your affair was a big deal. Apparently he does think it was a very big deal and until you acknowledge his pain and you guys can work through it, I don’t see it getting much better. If I were you I would go to a counselor on my own and try to work out what to do. I would also pray and and see what God wants you to do. Focus on God and the path He takes you on. Pray constantly and spend quiet time everyday just listening for Gods instruction for your day. I will continue to pray for both of you.

          • Hey tammy…thank you for your reply.
            He came to take me back and from today I am with him at our home. He was sorry about his behaviour with me and he said he is not going to repeat all those shits again. And also accepted that he loves me a lot. I came back just with a faith that he is going to keep his words this time. I love him a lot…and hope that one day everything is going to be well.

      • and yes we have also seen a psychiatrist (marriage councellor). according to him my husband is in pain because of my past and also said that he is suffering from “self defeating personality” disorder. the doctor has prescribed him with some anti-depressant.
        but after 2 months of counselling he stopped going to the doctor and said that he don’t need any medication or help.

  26. It’s very hard living with a man that makes you feel worthless. This is what I feel pretty much on a daily bases. Walking on eggshells would definitely be the correct term here. I get called demeaning names like dumbass and stupid. I love my husband, but I feel so numb inside. I want to be happy and I want the same for him. He is like a time bomb waiting to explode. I will take the advice this article gives and pray it works. Please wish me luck.

  27. I have stopped being a wife to him but live in the same house. He does not want to regret remorse or change. He is a liar cheater abuser and psycho for 8 yrs blowing hot and cold. Whereas i have improved career wise and been bringing up a genius teenager and happy toddler plus investing and saving. I am not leaving till my kids stand on their feet. I have been on my feet all my life. I dont give up my goals. This man has no idea who he is dealing with. GOD! He whom i pray to daily.

  28. Stress in our lives will drain your strength and accurate decision making dramatically. Get tactical and fight stress with wisdom and determination. It will empower you to accomplish great things in life and in marriage. Look for strength and wisdom from God. If you make the effort , God will make the difference.

  29. We must understand that Jesus is our way to true happiness. We must set our foundation upon the Rock and then proceed to building our structure/armour of protection from negativity threw the strength of Jesus.
    And for me as a man, I do feel the temptation to be angry, lazy, and not to be a good leader. I think the reason may have to be because I feel like if I pursue to be a good leader it will only anger me more because my wife wouldn’t listen and most guys I know have short patience like my self. But once I see my wife start to truly change into a leader, then the tables turn and I have the temptation of becoming a real leader. The love that pours out of her heart into her work is beautiful and if she can work hard and be happy ,then that not only attracts me more but instantly makes me want to be the man I’m suppose to be. Love is so powerful it can keep a couple together even if its only one person trying. But in order to have true love you must seek that from Jesus first then everything else will just fall into place as long as you keep Jesus first. Also guys we should be the first leader. We need to be strong and take the first step. Ask God for strength and patience.

  30. Kids, not Kurds, autocorrect!

  31. What about the Kurds in this environment. I don’t leave because of them; is it worse to witness someone on a daily basis be negative and say immature things about me, their mother!

  32. We haven’t had sex in 1 & 1/2 years….his anger and the stress/anxiety it produces in both of us I feel has killed our intimacy. It’s to the point where I just about can’t stand to be around him! Around other people he’s a delight but when we’re alone~ BAM! Out comes this angry, pessimistic, grace-less, unforgiving, judgmental, no patience, I’m the victim, I hate you God for doing this to me, let me point out all your flaws that are making my life hell-husband. The complaining makes me want to open the car door, while moving, tuck & roll just to get away! This article is encouraging but I’m still delve stated. :-/

  33. I’m glad I stumbled upon this tonight. Feeling very alone after another shouting match with my husband this morning. Whenever his decisions are questioned…quick, severe, emotional retaliations can be expected. He tells me I’m crazy, he tells me I’m selfish, he tells me to shut the f*** up, in front of our 3 teenage children.

    I’m the one with the problem. I’m the one who needs help. I’m the one who needs to change. I’m the one who is unhappy and miserable. Yet in reality, he is the one who constantly complains, he is the one with the half empty glass, he is the one who is moody, silent and sullen. I’ve sought help from a counselor to try to “change” into the person who will make him happy, but there is always something I do, something I say, some way that I look, that creates a monster in him.

    I’ve tried to be a happy person, but I just can’t keep at it anymore. I’ve kept at it for 20 years…I’m not sure I want this for the rest of my life. I’m not sure I can continue a life like this.

    • This is my husband to a t, and over 20 years too , my only saving grace is running it has been my escape and he criticizes that as well It’s emotionally draining , I have become stronger by focusing on what makes me happy and not being dragged in to his moods by walking away but still get dragged in as it’s so hard not to stand up for yourself sometimes, and I do at times just breakdown on my own and cry and just let it all out . I do still love him but then at times think I’m in love with the person I want him to be not the miserable one he is.

  34. Thank you for your encouragement. About 4 days ago I found myself in the same place where I decided enough is enough. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, have two boys, he cheated on me 7 years ago and it has been one of the worse nightmares of my life, he was also diagnosed with PTSD about 2 years ago (from the military) it has been very hard, he gets angry really easy and every little mistake I make, makes him so mad, I am tired. I’m focusing on myself at this point, I am really letting go and letting God, I am not responsible for my husband’s happiness, only God can. I will try my best to stay in this marriage and please say a prayer for us.. Thank you! and Praise God your marriage is where is at now!!

  35. OMG – I am SO glad I came across this article. My husband is negative about anything and everything and I feel it killing my spirit. He throws up roadblocks to everything he (or I) want to do. He gets on these angry rants about his job and it is the same ugly conversation every day: I can’t possibly get everything done, so and so is an ***, my boss blah blah blah. I can’t stand it. I am currently taking medication for anxiety and I feel that his attitude is partially what makes me feel this way. I just phoned my husband because I wanted to set up a playdate for our child – he angrily told me that he will “probably have to work all day tomorrow” (Saturday) and that he “JUST DOESN’T KNOW” what’s going on this weekend. This type of response is all too common and it puts me in a sad mood. I have told him this. He told me that “he is a negative person” and is sorry that he makes me feel that way. I have found myself daydreaming about other men and I know this is awful. I don’t want to lose my marriage. It’s just hard to think of another 50 years of this. Does anyone understand?

  36. Why are we women trying to make our husbands happy? We try and try and fail. Because they make it impossible ? They set expectations on us that we cannot meet so they can complain. It’s emotional and psychological abuse! It’s not healthy for the children’s development. They are predisposed to becoming just as miserable because of their environment. I too have tried and tried to make my husband happy for 8 years and too tried the tactic above. I was always happy and positive but now I have changed. I am depressed. I was successful for a short time but now he is worse. He is mean. Unrealistic with his expectations. Complains about things and does nothing about it. He is a big kid. I have 3 kids and a stepchild- I need a partner – not another child. Where are their responsibility in all this. They need to grow up. We are enabling their behavior. I am glad that the tactic in the story worked for her and I hope it works for others. Try it. I already did and some of us will have to realize our husbands are sick mentally. Why would someone who really loves you want you to live miserably, stress the family? It makes the family life dysfunctional and kids feel the tension. I too believe in living in non-broken home but at what sacrifice? To the point your own nerves are shot and you become them ? I am exhausted trying to make it work and I want to be a better person and mother. I am leaving because he is selfish. Once I leave he will try everything to get me back and if he can’t he will blame me all his life because this person cannot accept responsibility for his own actions. If you can leave to save yourself and your children before every ounce of life and happiness is sucked out. It’s not healthy for you or your children to be around yelling miserable people. Obviously these men don’t appreciate you or the kids and are not very faithful if they choose to give a hostile tense environment to their family. They are not husbands or fathers. They sound miserable going through the motions. Sounds like they want their freedom. Give it to them. Use the law to make them be in their children’s lives what they deep down despise and they are not telling you- they hate they work to pay bills to support their family!!! They are miserable because they feel they are trapped. So get rid of them, get your child support and/or alimony and let them be miserable alone doing it. You go and raise your children happy and healthy. Children will see the difference. They are affected whether you stay or go. At least you are able to enjoy them and be happy with them. I don’t ever want a relationship again. I am leaving so I can enjoy my 3 children before they grow into teenagers. I feel robbed that I didn’t truly enjoy their younger years/ to busy tending to a big baby

    • Thank your for your honest response. It sounds like you are in the midst of a very miserable marriage. I will pray for you and your marriage. I have been where you are and it’s a horrible feeling. I will pray for God to give you the wisdom to do his will. Also the strength to do whatever He asks. He is a miracle worker and it sounds like you need a miracle. God bless you.

      • I waited and prayed for 8 years for a miracle. I think God answered my prayers but I was not listening. He will never change but I have the strength and will to survive this. Thank you and to any single women- if the one you are dating had issues, why deal with them. Find a partner who will be your true partner- not a child, not someone who doesn’t accept responsibility for his own actions, or blames his childhood or whatever because he is miserable and angry today. He will take it out on you and your children. He should have changed before met you because that bespeaks of his desire to change. We as women want to help them change because we are nurturers. We need to learn to read the signs to protect ourselves and our future children because out kindness and nurturing is our weakness. Makes us vulnerable to these miserable men. Don’t even deal with. I pray no one else has to endure what I have for 8 years or what other have dealt with that was/is worse. God Bless.

  37. I really needed to read your post tonight. I’m not sure if my husband is the negative one or if its me- I think maybe me. I feel like my life is ground hog day. I live for my children. I love them more than anything. I gave up my life social, career everything to be a wife and stay at home mum. I will try minute by minute to be positive and happy. Thank you.

    • It takes a lot to admit it may be you. I certainly understand the ground hog day analogy! I too gave it all up for my family. I was miserable for years also. Once you decide to take control of your own happiness and stick to it, life will change and it will be something wonderful! I will pray for you and your family. So happy you made to decision to take control!

  38. Thank you for your article. I’m in the same boat, husband always miserable, moods affect everything but not sure whether to leave as have children and don’t want them to be in a broken home. I will definately try your positive outlook, don’t think it will change him but hopefully will make me happier 🙂

  39. I hurt my husband alot in the start of our relationship.. trying to make things right but failing even more eveeything I do makes him mad or angry or misurable.. y is it I cant sem to b the peeson he wants me to be .. I need to get this right for him..

  40. Thank you for taking the time to write this post, I really needed to read it today!!!!

  41. Me and my husband have been married for almost a year. I found this blog and this one really speaks to me. I have been trying to leave it up to God to help change my husband but its starting to just wear on everyone. I have an autistic son who he thinks he can change with physical punishment and he apologizes for acting mean towards me. He will just fly off the handle and yell. If things aren’t his way, it’s the wrong way. If I don’t have the house clean, I’m lazy even with having three little ones. Running around all day. I’m so sick of being dragged down. And becoming miserable. I am usually a happy, positive person and lately just depressed and want to give up!!

  42. What a good article and thanx. I think my story is even worse. If i cant share it to pple i feel i will comitee suciede. Myself and my husband have been married for 5 years but i was only happy before we got married, and has never loved me since we got married.

    He loves me when im far but never when im close. we stay in different contries and i completely gave up since december 2011 but he came back to me crying that he wants me back. i accepted and we both organised that i should visit him. he provided me transport but when i went there he treated me badly like never before. At the airprort he stayed in the car up i until i walked alone to where he parked his car and entered into the car. I stayed there for i month but everyday he was blaming me for everything and i mean everything like, u dont know how to cook, to dress, yuo are rude, you are too thin for me so he doesnt have appetite, but 4 years ago he was telling me he loves me coz im slim like but now he says`get fat where do i touch u are too thin for me` but i havent lost weight at all.
    My 1 month stay he refused to kiss me or me kissing him, has never welcomed my hug during my 30 days he was telling me tha he hates women and he is tired, not in the mood and blaming me everything.

    Im back to my country but very upset and miserable. i dont think i will ever visit him again. He wanted me to resign my job and join him this december, but can i realy follow him with this situation? i cant

    • I am so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your marriage. Please find a good counselor in your area that can help you deal with your feelings. It sounds like your husband is unhappy in general and it’s not your fault. You need to surround yourself with uplifting godly friends that can help you get joy back in your life. I don’t know if your husband will ever be happy and treat you well, but I do know it’s up to you to be happy. I will keep you in my prayers. You can always private message me through the contact button also if you would like. God bless you.

      • thanx for your reply and your prayers, i`m praying as well and i asking God to communicate to me as to what i should do. I still feel the pain inside me and if only i had i would have not visited him. I`m full of regrets and blaming my selft for getting back to him.

        If i call him during the day he says he busy working, after knocking off he says he is busy driving at ninght he says he is sleeping and doesnt want to be disturbed. the other problem is that he is not a believer, does not believe in prayer and and God. I knew all this before marriage but i said to myself, love changes everything and i will pray for him until he believes in the almighty God.

        We are not legally married and i just think its too much and i should just leave him, so that i remain single and happy alone, i don`t know God help me.

        • Maybe he will change maybe he won’t but in my opinion you are lucky you’re not married to him. I truly believe that if you wait on God that he will send the one you’re meant to be with. Patience is everything but you must also have faith in God and continue to trust in him.

  43. Like your story, maybe this is what i need!

  44. Wow this impact me greatly. Ur story literally saved me. Im married for four years anf 99.9 percent dont know what to do what to say. but walk on egg shell so my husband wont bliw up. I always ask God what do i di but reading ur testimony has answered me prayers. Thank u

What do you think?

%d bloggers like this: