Feb 162012
 
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  1. Marriage shouldn’t be this hard.   Couples think if marriage is  hard and a lot of work that something is wrong. Unfortunately that’s just marriage, it is hard and it is a lot of work.  When we first get married it seems easy, we are in love and usually very attentive to our spouses. After a few years, we get into a routine and life gets in the way. We aren’t as attentive and loving to each other and times get difficult.   A lot of couples give up when the marriage is hard, it just seems easier and they just want the emotional pain to stop. Chances are if you divorce when times are tough and don’t fix the problems, you’ll just end up with the same problems in later relationships.
  2. I married the wrong person.   Don’t even entertain the idea. Once you let that thought take up space in your mind, you are headed down a slippery slope. When times are tough, it’s easy to think maybe you made a mistake that needs repair. However, if you replace that thought with working on yourself, being the kind of person your spouse would want to marry again, you are on the right track. Pray that God helps you work on areas you can improve to bring back those loving feelings you used to have.
  3. I deserve to be married to someone who makes me happy. Today’s society is consumed with individual happiness. I’m sure you can find a myriad of friends to back you up in your decision that your spouse should make you happy. I’m here to tell you IT’S NOT YOUR SPOUSE’S JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!   If you rely on someone else to make you happy you will be disappointed every time. It is your responsibility to do whatever you can (within Christian values) to make yourself happy. There are people who are happy in totally miserable circumstances and then there are people miserable in what everyone else would consider ideal circumstances. What is it that makes people happy or not? It’s completely internal. If you are feeling unhappy, I encourage you to read as many books as you can on how to retrain your thinking. Wayne Dyer, Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, and Rick Warren are a few of the authors I would recommend. Your happiness begins in your mind. As soon as you can control your thoughts, you control your happiness. Unfortunately, no one else can control your thoughts so it would be impossible for your spouse to control your happiness. You may not like the way they are acting, but ultimately it’s your decision if you want to be unhappy about it. Take control of your life and do something about your own happiness. If you don’t master that, your next relationship will just be a repeat of the one you are in. Maybe not initially but eventually the same problems and issues will arise in all of your relationships.
  4. I will find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Everyone has an ideal image of a mate. The perfect person that treats you exactly how you think you deserve. Let me ask you this – Are you that person to your spouse? Do you know what they would consider the perfect mate and how they would like to be treated? I guarantee you if you shift your focus to being the perfect mate to your spouse- based on their definition of the perfect mate not yours-you will in turn get the perfect mate you want from your spouse.  It may take a while, but isn’t it worth the time? Think of how much time it would take to break up, find someone new and see how that works out. More than likely your new relationship will start out perfect, but once again eventually the same problems will arise until you change something in yourself.
  5. The kids will be better off not hearing us fight all the time. Well you are right the kids will be better off not hearing you fight, but their lives will be forever changed and they will be robbed of a family. If you have children, you owe it to your children to fix your marriage! You no longer have the right to live for yourself. I would look at it as a life or death situation to fix your marriage. Do whatever it takes to make it work. The end of a marriage with children involved is the death of the family. Find a good Christian therapist and go by yourself if you have to. Find a counselor that is for your marriage, not just for you. It is imperative that they consider the marriage as the most important thing. If your counselor suggests divorce, I would get a new counselor. I am from a divorced family and yes I turned out fine, I am a happy well-rounded adult. Would I want my kids to have my childhood and go through divorce….NO!  It’s the main reason I worked so hard to save my marriage. It should be your main reason also, not reason to make it ok. The kids are not better off in a divorced home, they are better off in a happy home. So put your time and attention on improvement not divorce.
  6. My spouse is a horrible person, I don’t even like them anymore. I can relate to that lie. At the time I was considering divorce, I didn’t like my husband either. I made a decision to only focus on the few things I did like about him at the time. Whatever you focus on expands. When he did something I found especially irritating, I made a conscious decision to focus on something good. I did not let negative thoughts take root in my mind. I prayed a lot during that time. I would recognize the negative thought and say a prayer. Then I would deliberately think of something else. I learned that if you think about something for 17 seconds straight, your mind then focuses on that thought instead. I had a lot of 17 second moments but it did work. If you loved your spouse at one time, you can get those feelings back. Your spouse is not a horrible person. You just need to focus on the good in them.
  7. I shouldn’t stay with someone who obviously doesn’t love me anymore. It doesn’t matter if they love you right now or not. I can tell you I wasn’t feeling a whole lot of love for my husband when I decided to make it work. Your focus should be how to get them to fall in love with you again. What makes them feel love? Most men want to feel respected and most women want to feel love and security. Ask your spouse to write down the 5 things that make them feel loved or respected. Don’t judge what they write, chances are it will be completely different from what makes you feel love or respected. Just make a conscious effort to do those things even if you think they are stupid. Make your spouse a list also. They may not be interested at the time, but make sure they know what your list is. Don’t worry about whether or not they are making an effort to make you feel loved. The only control you have is your actions in making them feel loved. If they loved you once, they can definitely love you again. Don’t let that be your excuse to leave the marriage.

 

I want to be clear that I am not telling you to be a doormat, catering only to the needs of your spouse without regard to how they treat you. If your spouse is abusive, you should not tolerate it. What I’m proposing is that you disregard the negative lies of society and work on making yourself the kind of person your spouse would forever regret divorcing. That includes being a strong, independent, happy person. When my husband realized that I really was changing and it wasn’t just a temporary last-ditch effort to save our marriage, he was scared he’d regret leaving. And he was right. He would have missed out on the wonderful marriage we have today.

I can assure you society will plant all kinds of lies in your head to destroy your marriage. These 7 lies are the most common lies people use as a reason for divorce. But they are just lies. The truth is God is for your marriage! He wants you to have a happy marriage. He wants you to be happy! He has plans to prosper you.

Flood your mind with the truth and not lies. Focus on the truth.  Let God’s truth expand in your mind. Invite him into your marriage and focus on his truth not the lies of society.

 

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  One Response to “7 Lies You Believe When You’re Considering Divorce”

  1. What if your spouse has BPD? What if he never loved you and you ignored the red flags early on. Of course its not spouse’s job to make you happy, but you just cannot stay happy around a negative guy.I decided to quit when I could not handle the emotional control and complete lack of affection. Of course I need to build my self esteem, but could not do it , while married to a psychotic guy

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